PPC: Pirates of the Caribbean
by MeganMidnight
Summary: Agents Jira Foley and Schmuckleigh take on the Sues of the Caribbean Warning violence, strong langauge, Sue-slaughter Enjoy!
1. Salina Rose

Protectors of the Plot Continuum:

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

By Megan@Midnight

I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe. Also thanks to everyone on the PPC board helping me with information on the Black Pearl. Many, many thanks to Elena who was a wonderful Beta reader and helped me a great deal. 

Salina Rose 

"Lost, I'm lost, I'm lost, lost. I don't know where I'm going," a random person in black muttered. This was considered such normal behavior to the other passersby that they hardly noticed her. Agent Jira Foley walked through the PPC, head down, staring at her rapidly moving sandals which were not directing her where she wanted to go. "Response center, I need to go to my response center. Come on feet, come on." Unfortunately, focusing solely on your feet while walking can run you into "Ow!" walls. Jira rubbed her head and glared fiercely at the wall. "Stupid monotone color scheme. Can't find any bloody place ever. Oh, door!" 'As was usual in the PPC, not paying attention in the corridors would bring you to where you were trying to get to. "Finally," she hissed as she gave one last glare at the gray walls as she slipped into the room. 

"Borormir! Come here sweetie. I brought breakfast." Jira waved bacon in a plastic bag in front of her. The mini-Balrog raced out from under the control console, grabbed the plastic-wrapped bacon and fled back under the console. "Don't eat the plastic! No, no! That can't be healthy, sweetie." Ever since Jira and Borormir had been assigned to Pirates of the Caribbean, Mary Sue Department, the mini had been severely neurotic. It seemed that he was afraid of large bodies of water and insisted on staying underneath the command console all the time. [BEEEEP!] The beep was immediately followed by a thunk when the freaked-out mini underneath the console banged his head and wings on the bottom. "Borormir! Sorry baby, you really shouldn't be under there." Borormir growled over the increasingly loud beeping of the console. "Stop growling at me, I'm going to go and kill it now." Jira grabbed her Camelbak and started shoving things in. "CD player, book, book, dagger, remote activator. Shit, where'd I put my CDs?" The CDs were found, and various and sundry other necessities including, quite on accident, a manta ray beanie baby were found and dumped into the backpack. 

"Okay, disguises. Let's see, prostitute. That would be a no. Um, navy personnel, nope. Here we go, pirate, Black Pearl, male/female. Only one woman pirate in this fic, so I guess I'll be male. Pirate, Black Pearl." Jira shoved a dagger in her waistband and opened the portal. "Here we go." 

__

"To the Governor's house!" Captain Jack Sparrow shouted to his men while throwing a torch into a store window. Jirafound herself surrounded by a snarling mob of unwashed pirates. She stumbled through the mob to watch Jack set a random store on fire as they marched to 'cease' the Governor's mansion. As the pirates reached the building, time stopped while random maids and such were killed. "It's seized a building, while I'm going to make you cease to be." 

Shaking her head, Jira watched as Jack _her_ a gulp from the closet. Captain Jack Sparrow flickered out for a second, being replaced by a feminized version. "Ouch, Jack. That can't have felt good. Or maybe it did, I've read some fics where…"

Sparrow flickered back to normal and, in an overly dramatic manner, opened the closet doors and yanked the Sue's father out of the closet. He pulled the man close and said, _"Ah, Governor. So nice to see ye again. I believe last time we met my head was being fitted for a noose. Now I am here to return the favor. This way governor." _

One of the pirates, a good bit shorter than the rest, growled in the direction of the Sue in the closet who Sparrow had completely missed seeing, and muttered, "I am so going to kill you." Only the Sue heard it as the short pirate followed Captain Sparrow out. The pirates were huddling in the foyer as Jack murdered the governor. Jira watched as his pretty gold teeth turned yellow and rotten. "Pirates huddling. That's definitely going on the charge list. And making Jack a vicious killer, and making his teeth go bad." 

The soon to be dead man screamed _"SALI." _Jira flinched at the crack as his neck broke. The Sue had come out of the closet in time to watch her father's death and was now glaring at Jack. A glance at the Words showed that she had sworn vengeance on him, no matter that she would soon be his one true love. "Stupid Sue." True to the Words, her blond hair was hanging at her side, floating next to her right arm. Jira couldn't help snickering as the bald woman with floating hair glared at Jack.

"Now that's really bad writing," another pirate muttered from behind Jira. 

Jira turned around slowly. "Yes, yes it is." The pirate appeared to have green streaks in his hair. "You my partner?"

"Agent Jira?"

"That's me."

"Then yes. I'm Agent SchmuckLeigh." She stuck out a hand. 

Jira jumped the other PPC agent. "Oh, thank somebody! I thought I was going to have to do this one on my own." Thankfully, the Sue was to busy insulting Jack to notice that one of the pirates had jumped on another and was currently cutting off the first pirate's ability to breathe.

"Can't breathe."

Jira let go. "Sorry, sorry." Suddenly, all the pirates disappeared. "What? Hey!" While Jack was making the Sue join his crew, the author had forgotten about the rest of the pirates and so they were gone, hopefully back to the Pearl. 

Leigh snickered, "Oh, that's fabulous." 

"She can see us," Jira reminded her partner in a panicky voice. "Bad bad bad thing."

"Run away!" The two assassins fled the mansion and took cover in the undergrowth outside. The Sue was in the middle of the driveway on her knees being melodramatic as the assassins tried to get out of sight and still see the horror. Agent Schmuckleigh glared at the Sue as Jack came up behind her. Jira watched Captain Sparrow put his coat on the Sue. "And this is the part where she makes Jack multipolar." 

"I don't think that's a word." 

"You know, like Bipolar, but with more than two phases." 

The Sue threw it at him and yelled, _"Would it have changed anything? Hugh? Would you've not killed him had you known I was there? I don't think you would've!" _"Calling Jack Hugh. There we go for another charge. He's Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you very much," Jira hissed at Salina Sue. 

_"No. I suppose not, love. But, maybe I would've had the decency to take you out of the room, or something. I wouldn't want you to be traumatized for life to where you couldn't be capable of being a women." Jack lifted his eyebrow and looked at Salina in a creepy way._

"What the hell does that mean? And Jack is not creepy! I'll kill mmphm…" Jira started for Salina Sue, but just in time Agent Leigh slapped her hand over her partner's mouth and dragged back her into the undescribed undergrowth.

"Ignore the sue. Watch the Jack. Ignore the sue, watch the Jack." Leigh said as she removed her hand 

"I'm going to kill her so much! Not getting paid enough for this." 

"But the view is good." Leigh watched Captain Sparrow appreciatively. 

Jira nodded, "That is true. If you ignore the words coming out of his mouth, at least." 

Leigh jumped about a foot as Captain Jack Sparrow spontaneously grew a small pair of wings and took flight as Salina multiplied before his eyes. "Too many Sues, oh god."

"And this proves why all writers should all know the difference between woman and women." Jira muttered pedantically as she rubbed her eyes. And then, "He flew." Jira spat. "He flipping flew. I want them dead, now. All of them." Jacks hat, which had been on his head, fell off into a puddle for no apparent reason. "Hat abuse, she's abusing his hat. How dare she hurt the hat!"

Both agents winced as a tense shift hit, and missed the next few lines as canon shook itself. Suddenly, the complete lower half of Sparrow's body disappeared into thin air, and his head and torso dropped to the ground next to the kneeling Sue. "It says, and I quote, 'Jack tipped his hat and then became eye level with the disbelieving girl.' That makes no sense whatsoever. And my favorite parts were down there." Jira looked despairingly at half-Jack

"That's fabulous." Leigh murmured, patting her partner's back comfortingly.

"Damn you, Salina sue, damn you!" Jack's legs reappeared as he picked up his coat. "Much better." 

"Oh yes." Jira and Leigh watched as Captain Sparrow and the Sue wandered off, supposedly to the Pearl, but, according to the Words, first they were going to shop for Sue clothes and then Jack was going to knock her into the water for no good reason. "Why couldn't he have just drowned her?" 

"I don't know. Wish he had though."

"I can't much more of this. I am not watching the stupid bitch shop for clothing." "Agreed. Ship?" Leigh asked as the assassins fished themselves out of the mansion's shrubberies. 

"Ship works." Jira started off down the drive. 

"So, do you know where the ship is?" Leigh brushed random bits of plant out of her hair. "Harbor, I assume." Jira shrugged, "Got to be on the water, and this stupid bint doesn't know that the Pearl is far too big to fit in the harbor. We're bound find it, from the noise if nothing else."

"We are in a town. They do make noises." "

"Yes, but somewhere it's stated that the town is, and I quote, "dead", so the Pearl should be the only thing with noise and people." Jira looked back. "Come on, can't be that hard to find a big tall ship with black sails full of pirates."

Thirty minutes later 

"Can't be that hard to find? Really?" Leigh snarked at her shorter partner. 

Jira shrugged. "I don't know why you listened to me. I have no sense of direction whatsoever. I can't find north with a compass."

'Ok. Yes. So why were you leading?" 

"I don't know. Just felt like it."

"Uh huh." Leigh looked up and pointed. "Would that be it then?"

"Oh, ship!" Jira yelped. And there she was. The Black Pearl was amazing, dark and gorgeous. "Pretty, pretty ship. I want that," she sighed.

As they headed to the Pearl, Leigh noticed something very strange. "Jira, Jira?" "What?" Jira didn't appreciate being dragged from her ship-lusting. 

'Why are all the pirates on the mast?" True enough, the ninety plus pirates that crewed the Pearl were all on top of the mast of the ship. They looked rather like large, dirty crows on telephone wire. 

Jira glared at the Words. "The Sue got them stuck up there so she could show off that she wasn't 'ship deprived', despite being a governor's daughter. And add ship deprived to the charge list, if you would."

"Of course" They watched Jack laugh at his crew, and then wander below decks with the Sue. "Poor Jack." 

"Let's get going, before they get down and leave us." Jira took off in a sprint toward the Pearl, with Leigh close behind. Once up the gangplank, canon gave a shake and for a moment it rained dirty, smelly pirates. 

Leigh dodged Random Pirate number four and shook her head. "You know, I don't think she has any idea how many people you need for a ship this size."

Jira found an out-of-the-way place on the starboard side of the ship and sat down. "I don't think she has any idea. Ever." She fished a severely battered copy of Shogun out of her pack and let it fall open. 

"Good book?"

"Yep."

"So, we're not going to watch the sap, then?"

"Nope. I'm going to sit here and ignore the horribleness going on in Captain Sparrow's cabin, I'm going to ignore the couch that just appeared on the ship, I'm going to pretend I don't know that the bitch doesn't give a damn that her fathers dead, and is a malignant narcissist, and if anyone bothers me I'm going to scream at them in Japanese until they go away. Wakarimasu ka?" Resolutely, she put her nose back in the book. That couch should go on the charge list.

"All righty then."

**** 

"Wake up, wake up, wake up!" Jira bounced on her feet in the bright morning sun. "Got to go watch the canon break."

Leigh groaned, stretching stiff muscles. Ship's railings are not traditionally considered comfortable by any stretch of the imagination. 'Remind me not to fall asleep in that position ever again." 

"Ok. Don't fall asleep like that again. Get up, come on." Jira grabbed her partner's hand and pulled her to her feet. 

"Are you always this cheery in the mornings? Because it's kind of annoying." "Depends on the morning." Jira grinned and looked over the open ocean. "This morning is beautiful, and I got to see the most wonderful sunrise over the sea. You so missed it."

'So, where's the Sue?" Leigh was less appreciative of the ocean's charms this early in the day than her partner, as she had fear of drowning. 

Jira, on the other hand, loved water, and the ocean in particular. "On the couch in Jack's cabin. She's having a dream about the beginning of the movie because she's special…" "Where's Jack?"

Jira pointed to where Jack Sparrow stood at the wheel of his Pearl. He may have been doing a little fondling. "At the helm. He gets up early."

Leigh followed the pointing finger. "Ooh. Very nice." 

"I think this is the first major break in canon coming up, so we should really go see." Jira looked rather reluctant to abandon a nice canonical Jack for a Sue, but she rallied. "We must, we must. Damn Sue."

They headed down towards the Sue's bed. Both agents jumped as a scream dopplered across the deck. "She's awake," Jira sighed. "Come on." The two assassins hurried to Salina Sue's room. The Sue was being held down by Mr. Gibbs while he called her dearie. "Dumb bint."

Both agents looked thoroughly grossed out by the sweat pouring off the Sues forehead. "So, why is this the first major break in Canon?"

Jira growled under her breath at the Sue, then turned back to Leigh. "Because one of the few things we know about the pre-movie canon is that Gibbs was not on the Pearl. He was a sailor in the Royal Navy. Don't know when he turned to piracy, but he was not on the Pearl pre- Isla de Muerta. He says he didn't even know Jack then." She pointed her Canon Analysis Device at him. [Joshamee Gibbs. Pirate/Sailor/Pirate/Sailor?????? Out of Character 89.45%] Jira and Leigh ducked out of the way as the Sue and Mr. Gibbs headed up to the deck. As he passed Jira, she shook her head. "Poor guy. Even this thing doesn't know where he is." 

The Assassins followed them onto the deck of the Pearl. "If that's the first canon break, can we kill her now?" Leigh hissed as they watched the Sue climb up to Jack.

"Fraid not," Jira growled as she watched Jack watching Salina's butt. 

"Any particular reason why not? Because urge to kill rising."

'Two actually. One: there are two bit players in Tortuga we have to kill, including the stupid bint's fiancé, and two: there's an attempted rape scene coming up and I don't know which one of the pirates it is yet. Also, rape. I want to get her for that too. Rape is not a plot device." Jira spun away from the sickening scene with murder in her eyes, and almost missed first mate Barbossa coming the other way. 

Leigh winced. "We should hurt her a lot for that." She glanced at the words. "So, we're in a battle soon."

"Yep." Above them Barbossa was getting touchy-feely with the Sue. "You'd think he would have had better taste. Jira said, "How dare she mangle Geoffrey Rush's character! And, 'me lady', when exactly did he ever have that kind of an accent? Huh?"

Leigh too was snarling at the Salina. "Lots of pain for her. Maybe we should let her meet one of his other characters. Say Quills?"

Jira grinned. "That would be fun. Very fun."

"Uh, when the hell did that happen?" Leigh pointed at the naval ship that had just appeared next to the Pearl. "And why is it tied to us?"

Jira shrugged and ducked as an English cleric flew over her head. "Because the author doesn't know the difference between Loose and Lose, nor does she know Canon from Cannon. And hold on to something."

__

Ready all hands! Prepare the canons!" Jack yelled as he gave the wheel a hard pull again. This time the ship nearly flipped over. Jira wrapped her arms around the stairs leading up to the helm. Leigh, less prepared for the attempted flipping, grabbed onto Jira as she shrieked, "Ai! The Pearl can't turn so fast as to flip over! She's too big, you idiot!" Fortunately, her shriek was lost in the noise of the battle. "And that's going on the charge list. Abusing the Black Pearl! How dare you!" 

Leigh let go of Jira as the Black Pearl righted herself. "Well that was fun." Jira on the other hand showed no inclination to let go of the stairs. "Did she just say her uncle was the governor of a harbor?" She noticed her partner's lack of movement. "Are you stuck?" Jira gave a shaky nod. "Yes and yes. And I'm not letting go, ever. Hate things that flip over." Her knuckles were clenched white in fear

"_Barbosa take her bellow so that she stays safe. Away from the fighting." Salina looked at Jack and yelled, she then shoved Barbosa off of her and ran into the cabin. _"Yay, she's gone." Leigh said as she tried to pry Jira's clenched hands loose.

"She's coming back. After making a really stupid grapple with a candlestick." "Damn. Oh, and she climbs out a window." Leigh glanced at the words. "Here she comes." J_Jack turned around just in time to see Salina hop on deck. He stepped back and grinned. "You really do like danger, don't you?" "Oh, yes. I love it." She giggled a little while walking over to him. "I will fight. Since it is my freedom at stake. Understood, Captain Jack Sparrow?"_

"I think I'm going to be sick," Jira moaned from the railing. 

"You and me both. It'll be over soon." Leigh was making gagging noises.

"No, it won't."

_"Are the Canons ready?"_ This from Captain Sparrow. Both the assassins flinched at the bad spelling. 

"I really don't know what English priests have to do with anything."

"This couldn't touch Canon with a really long pole."

"This is true." The assassins watched Jack walk toward one end of the ship. It was rather confusing, as which end was never specified, so Sparrow appeared to be walking to both ends of the ship at the same time. _"PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" _Jack yelled. 

Jira clenched her eyes shut and muttered, "Here we go." Still holding onto the railing, she grabbed a handful of Leigh's shirt as the Pearl began to pour onto the unidentified naval ship. Leigh paled as the deck shifted and buckled. She grabbed the railing next to Jira who said, "I really hate her. And I may be sick." Jira continued to death grip the railing while chanting something that sounded like "Parlelelooloo" over and over again with her eyes still tightly shut. 

"Hey, hey." As the deck stopped moving, Leigh gave her partner a good sharp shake. 'We have to go watch the really bad, not funny, fight scenes with warrior Sue." Jira didn't move. "Fine." Leigh moved close to her partners ear and yelled as loudly as she could, "Monkey!"

Jira jumped and fell on her back onto the deck, "Parley!" She glared at Leigh. "That was not very nice." 

"Up. Have to see the fight scene. Up!" Leigh pulled her protesting partner up and dragged her over to the naval ship where they observed a really bad fight scene. _Salina ran for the top deck, trying to escape a chase. Two officers came up on the top deck; she now stood in the center of them. She reached for her gun, but it was already too late; the men had started to fight. So she took them both on, punching and cutting. One officer tried to hit her over the head but she ducked and it hit the officer behind her. _

Jira sneered. "Yeah, I've never seen that move ever before. So not funny."

Leigh glanced back at her partner, "How do you stand in the center of two people, anyway? Last I checked it was between two people, center of a circle"

Jira shrugged. "Bugger if I know. The Sue is stupid?"

"Yeah, true." The assassins watched as Salina climbed the mast, and was promptly captured by the navy man who was conveniently waiting for her in the Crow's Nest. 

Jira turned to Leigh. "So, in the middle of a battle with pirates who consider it good tactics to knock down the mast, the British navy has the brilliant idea to put a sailor on top of the mast just in case a pirate climbs up there? Why?!" 

Leigh shook her head. "That's fabulous. And how are they going to get down?" "Very good question. I don't know." Jira glanced at the Words. "Oh, primitive and outmoded concept on a crutch, why?" She threw up her hands.

Leigh leaned over to see. "Eww... Sap." During this, Jasper, AKA random sailor in the Crow's Nest, had a knife to Salina's throat and was ordering the pirates to drop their weapons. Sadly, Jack appeared to be thinking about it. "And here come the connection with canon characters." Jira pulled out her copy of Shogun. Governor Swann appeared and the Sue was let go.

Leigh muttered, "Is now the best time to be reading?"

Jira replied by slamming the 1200 page book into her forehead. "No." Thud. "No." Thud. "Its really," Thud, "Not." 

"Ahh." Leigh watched little Elizabeth plead with her Suedo-cousin.

"Can I have it next?"

"Sure." Thud. Thud. Thud. "Kay, I'm seeing spots now. Here you go."

Leigh took the offered book, and found that the fic pain was far worse than hitting yourself in the head with a hardback copy of A Novel of Japan. Suddenly the Sue shouted, _"My name is Salina Rose, AND I AM A PIRATATE!"_

"You're also an idiot." Both assassins were sitting on the deck of the Pearl, watching the sue and Jack being cute at each other.

"Quite." 

"Having a stupid name and being a piratate. Definitely on the charges list." Jira shook her aching head. "Okay, that didn't help."

Time sped up as what should have been mid-morning went dark. "That was fast." Leigh observed, getting up and returning the book to her partner's backpack. "Time-shifting?"

"Check," Jira muttered as she wrote on the charge list. 

"She's dancing with Barbossa."

"Yes." 

Leigh helped her partner up. "When can we kill her?"

"Soon as we get to Port Royal." Jira glanced over at the recently renamed Salina Rose. "Unless you want to risk a saltwater bath."

"That's okay." 

They both jumped as a shot was fired. _"Food's ready!" _Badly spelled Eric Neck1der yelled out.

"Putting numbers in peoples names."

"Check." 

"Want food?" Jira and Leigh glanced at the table filled with a feast that could feed a thousand men at least.

"Well, there is plenty." Jira shrugged. "Let's eat." The assassins grabbed what they could and gave nothing back, including a nice bottle of rum off the table. Holding the bottle they sat under the window of Jack's cabin and watched the angst. He was leaning depressingly out the window, thinking very loudly. '_What was I thinking? I can't have her on board. She'll get hurt or. killed. I shouldn't of let her come.' Jack walked over to his desk and plopped into the chair. 'But, she's changed me in only a day and a half. I can't explain how, and the crew loves her_.'

"Cough, Mary Sue, cough." Jira gazed upwards at him and grabbed the rum bottle from her muttering partner. 

"See Jack angst. Angst Jack, angst." Leigh snickered and reclaimed the rum bottle. After taking a swig, she and Jira got to their feet as the Sue came over to drag him out to dance. "Let's go elsewhere." 

"Good plan. Otherwise I may kill her now, for what she's doing to poor Captain Sparrow."

The Sue was now dancing with everyone on the floor. _Mr. Gibbs came over to Jack. "It's nice to have a women aboard once in a while, aye captain?" Gibbs nudged his side._

Leigh took out her CAD but Jira pushed it down. "I don't want to know. I really don't. Plus, it may explode." 

Leigh was distracted by Salina dragging Jack onto the dance floor and "Teaching him to dance!" She swore repeatedly. "He's Captain Jack Sparrow! I'm sure he can dance. For the love of somebody."

Jira glared at the Sue as she finished and walked back into Jack's cabin. "Here comes the attempted rape for angst and sympathy part." She locked eyes with Leigh. "For this she must suffer lots and lots."

Leigh nodded. "I completely agree. This is despicable." She glanced at the Words. "So do we have to kill him?"

"Uh… No. Jack's going to do that." Jira indicated the bow of the ship. "Shall we go over there, cover our ears and sing really loudly?"

"Maybe we should use our headphones?" The assassins headed across the Black Pearl.

"Better plan, yes." The PPC agents settled against the rail of the ship, pulled out CD players and headphones, and began to hum. None of the other pirates noticed the two, one humming Tori Amos, the other King of the Golden Hall, as Salina ran out of the cabin partially stripped and tears _flying like crystals_. Neither assassin heard the sounds of fighting or the sound of metal ripping through flesh and the fatal cry for help that echoed into the night. Both watched as Salina grabbed onto Jack as he came out and then promptly fell asleep. 

One pirate muttered "Yeah, that's what I'd do after nearly being raped," while the other was trying to figure out whether the man Jack was talking to was Bootstrap Bill or Will Turner. Eventually Jack laid the Sue down on the pillows 'Bootstrap Will' had brought out and spooned up to her. The sound of gagging echoed over the deck. 

In time both assassins slept, one with her glasses on, the other with Tori playing out of her headphones.

***** 

Agent Schmuckleigh, known as Leigh for purposes of easier conversation and not being called 'hey, you' by her partner, woke to the sun bright in her eyes and a peculiar sound in her ears. Rising, she fumbled for her sunglasses, realized pirates didn't wear sunglasses, and groaned. Squinting, she looked around and discovered the peculiar sounds were coming from Agent Jira Foley, who was sitting on the deck of the Pearl with her middle fingers stuck firmly in her ears, humming determinedly. Curious at her partner's behavior, Leigh followed Jira's fierce glare. And saw Captain Sparrow and the Sue being cute at the helm. She sat up and nudged her partner firmly in the arm. "Hey!" 

Jira stopped humming and unplugged one ear. "Good morning. Guess what?" "What?"

"I hate her." 

Leigh shrugged, "I knew that. So?"

"So I got woken up to the most nauseating conversation ever and am currently being made to watch her," this said with almost a growl. "Learn to 'drive' the Pearl. In twenty minutes flat."

Leigh listened to the conservation for a second. "And she misspelled 'wheel' too." This caused another growl. "I noticed. How hard is it to spell wheel? I mean really. It has five letters in it. And one's a repeat. Pathetic. Truly pathetic." 

"_I feel free." Salina pulled her braid out and let her hair blow in the wind. _She failed to notice the one of the two pirates that were leaning on against the ship's rail start gagging violently, while the other blew a raspberry at her. _The men came out on deck and for the first time realized how vital this woman would be to have on board. Some thought this for different reasons but most for the simple reason that she kept Sparrow happy. Which meant everything would go smoothly for a while, as long as nothing happened to her. _

"Something is definitely going to happen to her. With lots of pain." Leigh was practically snarling at the Sue.

"Ive got some concertina wire." Jira patted her backpack.

"I was thinking something more iron maidenish."

"Haven't got one of those with me. Sorry." Jira smiled at her companion, somewhat madly. "But we could cut off bits and pieces. Concertina wire very sharp."

"Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous." With that they stood to watch Salina climb the mast and show off her rope swinging skills. "Grr…"

_ "Land Ho!" She shouted, and then made a few more enchanting hoots and yahoos. Her shirt and scarf flapping and rolling on her skin, her hair waved through the wind like spun gold. Indeed she was now a pirate and ready for a whole new adventure. _"Think she knows how stupid she sounds right now?" Leigh said, watching the Sue's hair go shiny and metallic. 

"Think she knows that spun gold is a metal and heavy and doesn't wave particularly well?" Jira responded as she watched Port Royal come ever closer. 

The assassins slipped into one of the rowboats making their way to the peer-this should be pier. Salina was in the front of the leading boat, fumbling with her fingers. How she did this neither assassin was sure as they weren't in the first boat and couldn't really see. Once the boats docked on the peer, they watched Jack sway off and Bootstrap Will help Salina out of the boat. _"Thank ye Will." Will nodded and she began to walk down the peer. "Where might ye be going Miss Rose?" Salina stopped in her tracks and moved to face Barbosa. "I'm going to a couple of shops to get a few supplies." "Would ye like an escort Miss Rose?" "No thank you Barbosa. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. Oh and Barbosa?" "Yes ma'am?" "You can address me by Salina." "I know ma'am. But, I prefer Miss Rose, has a certain ring about it." "Oh. Okay then." Salina turned back around and walked straight for the tailor's shop._

"Okay?! You can't say okay. That's not even a word yet!" Jira waved her hands in a very pissed off manner at the Sue. 

Leigh was focused more and on the character assassination of Barbossa. "You can address me as Salina," she mimicked in a high pitched voice. "Bitch! Thou shalt not mess with any character played by Geoffrey Rush."

"Hear, hear." Jira started off after Salina. "Now we have to find the fiancé, and then kill him." She thought for a moment and said, "After, of course, lots of stupid dialogue" 

"Let's get this over with." They watched as Salina Sue and 'Bootstrap Will' walk into a tailor's shop and then walk back out. _Salina walked over to a bench and sunk down into the chair like it was made of cotton. _

Jira blinked rapidly at the bench-chair. "Whaheyhuhwha?" She blinked it some more, but this didn't seem to help any. She could feel her brain trying to collapse. 

Leigh just looked elsewhere, rather than try to wrap her brain around a bench/chair/bean bag made of cotton. Which meant she didn't have to see the Sue tear up, though sadly she could still hear. 

_Will sat down next to her. "What's wrong Salina?" "Nothing." She said while wiping her nose and sitting back up. "Really?" "No. There is something wrong." What is it?" "Them. In the store, they were what's wrong. You saw that man in the back room?" "Yes." "He's my fiancÈ, or at least he was supposed to be." "Oh." Will got up and paced a little rubbing his cheek hard, as if he was thinking constantly about what she was saying. Salina looked up at him, tears still falling. "But don't tell Jack. Please don't tell Jack." Salina grabbed his hand and rested her cheek on it. "We need to do something. If yer seen here looking like this, and everyone thinks yer dead, and well you're not. Things could go really wrong. We need to get you some different cloths so you fit in a little better and aren't noticed as easily." Will bent down and looked Salina straight in the eyes. "Okay?' Salina nodded and hugged him tightly. "Aright, now you stay here while I go and get a dress for you." Salina nodded as he walked back into the tailors_.

"So how does he know her measurements, and why must she keep calling him Will? Bootstrap Bill! With a B. Bill." Jira finally looked away and rubbed her eyes. 

"Also, he's apparently going to make the dress himself, since he's only getting cloth, and not clothes." Leigh observed as they waited the ten minutes for him to return.

"Well, we don't really know that he can't sew. He might be able to." 

"But not in ten minutes."

"True." Bootstrap came out of the shop with a pastel green dress with little pink bows on the front. "Eww…" Both agents exclaimed.

"Horrible colors," Leigh whimpered.

"I'm blind!" Jira clapped her hands over her eyes so as not to have to see the mismatched colors, and also as not to have to see the Sue's underwear. 

Leigh was swearing softly. Suddenly a glass of flowers broke, from where will ever be a mystery, and the Sue yelled, _"James!" _

"Here comes fiancé man." 

"And he's pissed too."

_ "Salina?" He walked a little closer. "So this is where you've been, what you've been doing?" Salina looked around and saw Will in the corner and noticed her dress wasn't fully tied. "Oh, no. It's not what you think. James really." "Oh is it not? I can't believe you! You've lowered yourself to these-these filthy beings!" "No James I haven't!" James walked furiously out of the alley and out into a garden. "Oh really? Then what were you doing back there? The tango backwards?" _

Jira snickered, while Leigh looked more pained. "You wouldn't understand James!" _"I wouldn't understand. I wouldn't understand that you got up and left you're home and family behind. You left me to do what? Come here and become a whore! Some life you got there, Sweetie!"_

"Go James!" Jira cheered softly. 

'He's going sappy in a minute," Leigh observed, looking up from the words.

"Bloody hell." 

And he did, and after getting punched, calling Salina a two-bit whore, ("Not worth that much, I'm sure." Jira muttered) meeting Jack, and walking off, there was a horrible scene with their engagement rings. _"You were mine! Whether you want to except it or not, you were mine!" Salina shook her head with her gold hair waving by her side._

"Her hair's come off again." 

_"You were. You even have the ring. See, it's still around your neck." James reached over and pulled a hidden chain out of her dress. Salina looked at it lovingly and then took it into her own hands. _

"So the chain was what, invisible? Underneath her skin? Must have been pretty well hidden, since she was mostly naked just a minute ago." 

"Keen observations have no place here."

_ Jack now sat up looking confusingly at the couple. "Come home with me Salina, please." James spoke softly to her as he placed his hand to her cheek. "Let me take care of you." She grasped his hand and took the necklace off. "I love you James." "I need a drink, Will. I need a drink bad." _

"You and me both."

"Not yet."

_ "Well. You leave me with but only one choice." Salina turned her face away. "I have to say goodbye. But." James put his hand to her chin and turned her face toward him. "If you ever need me you know where I am." "Thank you James, for understanding." She reached up and kissed his forehead, then let go and walked towards the tavern. _James the bit player went still as Salina walked off, and showed no resistance to the two PPC assassins who towed him into an alley. "So, now what?" Leigh asked as her partner went fishing in her bag.

Jira pulled out a pair of thick leather gloves and a length of flat wire. "Grab the head," she said, as she went behind the unmoving man, pulling on the gloves and looping the wire around his neck loosely. "Kind of feel sorry for him, you know?" Jira jerked the wire backwards, and the body collapsed as the head fell off.

Leigh picked up the head by its red hair with a disgusted look on her face. "Now what?" she asked as she laid the head by the body.

"Now we capture the Sue. You want the other bit player?"

"Sure." Leigh shrugged as they headed back to the tavern. Jira handed her something. "What's this?"

"Blackjack." They arrived at the tavern just as the Sue entered and was staring in shock at Jack and the other bit player. Before she could move into the room, Jira tapped her on the shoulder. Salina Rose turned. Jira smiled very insincerely. "Did you know that dress is absolutely the worst mix of colors ever?" Salina opened her mouth, and Leigh cracked her in the back of the head with the blackjack. Jira moved out of the way to let her hit the floor, then grabbed her arms and dragged Salina out of the tavern. No one noticed. "Very nice." Leigh smiled. "Thank you." It wasn't a very nice smile, more on the lines of 'someone is going to pay for all the pain they put me through, and soon'. She grabbed an arm, and they dragged the Sue into the alley with her former fiancée. Jira tied a length of rope around the Sues wrists, while Leigh did her feet. "I get the other bit, right?"

"She's all yours." Jira waved Leigh ahead of her. They entered the tavern, where Jordan Knight sat on Captain Sparrow's lap. "So, what's the plan for getting her without him getting us?" She gestured at Jack who was, as always, wearing a sword and gun. 

Leigh started digging in her backpack. "Disguise generator. You should have gotten a memo."

"Uhh… It's very likely, yes." Jira suffered from minor problems with memos, as she wasn't the most tidy of people. Plus, since the move to PotC, Borormir had taken to eating random bits of stuff. Including paper. "I think my Mini-Balrog may have pica."

"Found it!" Leigh pulled it out and pushed some buttons. Jira looked down and realized she was wearing a long, blue dress, and noticed her partner was similarly attired in purple. And wearing far too much make-up. "Like that."

"Ah. I see." Jira glanced back at Jack and Jordan. "I think I've divined the plan. You slap him, he drops her, we grab her and run."

Leigh smiled again. "Actually." She pulled out a nasty looking knife. "You slap, she falls, I stab, grab the body and run."

"That works too." Leigh walked up behind Jordan, who couldn't see her, being occupied right then. 

Jira hadn't moved. "Go already," she hissed. Jira was turning bright red at the thought of touching, much less slapping, Jack Sparrow. She took a deep breath and tried to go into pissed whore in Tortuga mind-set. She gave Leigh a thumbs-up and strode forward. "Jack Sparrow!" Captain Sparrow looked up at a woman in a blue dress and heavy make-up who he'd have sworn he'd never seen before. 

"Yes, love?" Then she hit him hard across the face. "I don't think I deserved that," he mumbled, and turned back to the woman. "Do I know you, darlin'?"

The woman smiled apologetically. "You don't, and you didn't. I'm actually just distracting you so my partner can kill Miss Knight there." She gestured behind him. "Bye." When he turned back the woman was gone. 

Jira ducked out the door the moment Jack turned his head, and sighed in relief. That had gone easier than she had expected. Jira slipped into the alley where she and Leigh had left the bit's body and Salina, who was just coming awake. Leigh was already there, with Jordan Knight's body stabbed neatly through the neck. "Very nice."

'I thought so. Where to now?"

"Back to the rowboat.' Jira hauled Salina up and inspected the very nice ball-gag in her mouth. "Where'd that come from?" she asked admiringly as she dumped the Sue in the rowboat. 

Leigh dropped the headless body in on top of Salina "I thought it might be useful." Then the head. Salina tried to shriek. Nothing got through the gag. 

"Indeed."

Together they carried Jordan Knight's body out and dumped her in the boat. Jira retrieved her remote activator and fiddled with it a bit. Leigh started rowing them away from the pier. "So, where are we going?"

Jira finished setting the coordinates and pointed the activator just ahead of the boat. 'Just east of the Philippines." The boat went through the portal onto more ocean. "So, do you want to charge her, or shall I?" She pulled a SCUBA weight out of her bag, wrapped it around one of the bit player's wrists, and shoved her overboard. She sank like a stone.

"I'll do it." Leigh pulled Salina up and held on. "Salina Marie Doubou, AKA Salina Rose, you are hereby charged with being a Mary-Sue, for making Captain Jack Sparrow wildly out of character, making Joshamee Gibbs wildly OOC, making Barbossa wildly OOC and misspelling his name, thereby creating a Misspelled Monkey, for calling Bootstrap Bill Turner Will and confusing us, for abusing Jack's hat, for abusing the Black Pearl, making pirates huddle, for making Jack's pretty golden teeth rotten, for making Jack fly, for stressing me out and pissing me off (thank you Jira), for changing physics so the Pearl could almost flip over, for firing English clerics (its cannons, not canon), for having gratuitous connections with canon (one 'n'.) characters, for using rape as a plot device rather than a horrible crime…"

At this point Jira slapped Salina in the back of the head hard. "Thou shalt not!" 

"Ahem. For being a warrior sue and a wussy one at the same time, for putting Mr. Gibbs on the Pearl pre-Isla de Muerta, for green dresses with pink bows (commiting fashion crimes), for making Jack a psychotic killer one moment and a complete sap the next, for being a malignant narcissist, for not caring at all about being with the man who hung your father in front of you, for thinking you could get ninety plus pirates on the Pearl's mast, for learning how to steer the Pearl in twenty minutes, for being vital to Jack's happiness, for driving the Pearl, for making enchanting hoots and yahoos, for becoming a pirate in two days, for making Port Royal an island rather than a town, for saying Royalist before the American revolution, for putting Royalty in Port Royal, for having a fiancé just for the angst, for using anachronistic words: Grouchy, Okay etc…, for changing your name randomly, for being a piratate when its pirate, stupid, for making Elizabeth a wimp, for being really fucking melodramatic, for time shifting and I'm sure for other things too, you are condemned to die." She removed the ball gag. "Do you have anything to say before we kill you?"

Salina spat. "You bitches! How dare you? My Jack…" Jira hit her again. Hard, in the throat. While she was making choking noises, Jira pulled out a few more weights and started wrapping them around her captive.

"So, we're just going to drop her in the ocean?" Leigh asked. 

"Nope, we're going to put the rest of those weights on her and drop her into the Challenger Deep." Jira smiled darkly. 

"Ahh… I didn't realize where we were. Will it hurt a lot?"

"Oh yes." Jira shrugged. "If she doesn't drown first she'll implode from the pressure."

"Fabulous."

"It really is." They both smiled at Salina, who was frozen with terror. The assassins grabbed her and heaved. Finally getting her breath back, she screamed, right until she hit the water. And then she sank, into the deep dark of the Marianas Trench. 

"So that's what, five miles down?" Leigh threw the fiancés head over the side as Jira tossed the body the other way.

"About that. Yeah." 

Leigh opened the portal back to headquarters. As they jumped off the boat Leigh could be heard saying, "Absolutely fabulous."

The End 

[Author's notes:

The Challenger Deep is the deepest part of the Marianas trench, the deepest part of the ocean. Approximately five mile straight down. Has lots of really fascinating little animals that I'm sure will be happy to eat whatever's left of Salina. Concertina wire is very nasty razor wire used around prisons. Borormir has Pica which is defined as an abnormal desire to eat substances (as chalk or ashes) not normally eaten in the Merriam- Webster dictionary. Shogun: A Novel of Japan is a superlative book by James Clavell. I highly recommend it, though not for hitting yourself in the head. 

Jira is a Jack and Will luster, while Leigh lusts after Norrington, Jack, and Will. We both adore Geoffrey Rush though I'm not sure I really ever want to see him naked ever again. Any mistakes are mine and any and all reviews and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I had a lot of fun writing this, and there are so many more to go. Thanks for reading.]


	2. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Terror of ...

Protectors of the Plot Continuum: 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl 

By Megan@Midnight 

I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe. Many thanks to Kai for taking the time to beta this story for me. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Terror of the Sea 

Agent Schmuckleigh of the PPC chewed on the end of her pen while she waited for her partner to get back from Make-Thing's lab. Agent Jira had gone to the lab to pick up a Disguise Generator. She would have gone earlier, but her Mini-Balrog had eaten the memo. Borormir, the aforementioned Mini, was currently peering out from under the command console at Leigh -or, more specifically, at Leigh's notepad. He licked his fangs in anticipation and waited. 

"I got it!" Jira slid into the room, waving the generator triumphantly. 

Leigh took the pen out of her mouth and turned toward the door. "That's good- Hey!" 

Borormir had taken advantage of Leigh's moment of inattentiveness and had raced from underneath the console, grabbed her notebook, and raced back. "He took my notebook!" 

Jira nodded. "Yep. And from the sound of things, he's eating it." She peered under the console at her Mini, who was happily chowing down on the notebook. "I don't know why he does that." 

"You realize he's nuts, don't you?" Leigh glared at the console. 

"Only a little." Jira got up and started to put the disguise generator in her pack when the console went off. 

[BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!] *Wham!* 

"That was unnecessary." Jira observed. 

"So far, I'm not having a very good day." Leigh muttered rubbing her hand glaring at the console and the Mini-Balrog in turn. 

Jira glanced over the story. "Well, it's not gonna get any better. It's a Jack Sue who's Will's older sister and she calls Norrington greasy." 

Leigh hissed. "She's mine." 

"I get to charge her." Jira responded quickly. 

"Fine." The assassins gathered their supplies and headed to the portal. 

"Hey, we get to be on the Pearl." Jira looked very cheered. 

"That's not really unusual. Most of these are on the Pearl." Leigh was still upset at the Sue's insulting of Commodore Norrington. 

"During the movie. With Barbossa." Jira grinned. 

"Oh… Cursed." Leigh's grin mirrored her partner's. 

"Oh yeah. That's going to be fun, fun, fun. But first we have to be regular pirates. " 

"Oh well." With that they set their disguises and opened and stepped through the portal. 

__

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me," sang a boy about 15 years of age, standing on the deck of the Black Pearl, gazing out into the wide open waters, trying not to think about what had just happened an odd ten minutes ago. 

Jira and Leigh stepped out onto the deck of Pearl, behind the boy. Jira nudged Leigh, "Ah, he's cute. Who's he supposed to be?" 

"That would be Jack." 

Jira glanced at him. Then at Leigh. Then back to the boy. "Wait, I thought this part was set eight years before the movie. That would mean Jack would only be 23 when the movie happened." 

"That's right." Leigh was watching mini-Jack watch the water and brood. "He's cute." 

"Of course he is. He's Captain Jack Sparrow." Jira thought about her last statement for a second. "Well, sort of. That's way too young to have captained the Pearl and getting marooned and waiting ten years and and stuff.…" She threw up her hands. "Anyway, that's way too young. And I thought he didn't know that song until Elizabeth taught it to him." 

"Yeah, and I think the author doesn't know her ass from her elbow." Leigh glanced at the Words, "Here she comes." 

_"Help, someone, there's a girl in the water!" shouted Jack Sparrow searching for someone still aboard deck. _

At his call for help about half the crew and the captain came running from the hull. 

Jira and Leigh jumped out of the way as a large number of pirates ran up the sides of the ship, jumped over the railings and ran toward Jack. Jira pulled a dictionary from her backpack and flipped through. "Hull: the frame or body of a ship or boat exclusive of masts, yards, sails, and rigging. So they were just hanging around on the outside of ship, at sea, with no ropes or anything. So they all have really sticky extremities or…" 

Leigh jumped in. "They're all Spiderman!" 

__

Jira blinked at her. "Yes, I'm sure that's it. Yes…" She leaned away from her partner. During the conversation the pirates had pulled the Sue onboard and Jack was taking her below deck. "Follow him." The assassins slipped into the room just before Jack could lock the door. 

__

As Jack sat on the end of the bed staring at the new arrival he couldn't help but wonder what to do now. He'd brought her down here, he'd prepared a bath for her to get into when she woke up, what else was he supposed to do? He decided stare at her for the moment, because of the lacking in his things to do list. 

"When did he prepare her a bath?" Leigh looked around the cabin confusedly. "And where did he put it? Pirates not really known for hygiene." 

Jira just shook her head. "I don't know. And 'Because of the lacking in his things to do list' what the hell kind of a sentence is that?!" 

__

As he stared at her he couldn't help but notice her rather beautiful features. She had odd color hair, a shade between dirty blond and brown, he wasn't sure but if she opened her eyes he was sure they'd be brown to. He noticed her facial features weren't rounded but sharp, and soft at the same time. He guessed she was about his age, maybe a year or two younger. 

"That's not odd. That's ash brown! That's not even a pretty color. Ash brown! Dumb ass. " Jira was a little overprotective of her hair color or really anything in the brown shades... 

"Shh… He's noticing her half of the Aztec gold. And then she wakes up." 

"So we should hide." They both glanced around. "Closet?" 

"Closet." They ducked into the cabin's closet. "Eww… Smelly pirate clothes." 

__

"Who are you, and where am I," she said in a very calm tone of voice. 

"Because saying she said calmly would have been far too complicated." 

"Shh…" 

__

Jack being the gentlemen that he was got up from the end of the bed, took off his hat, and bowed to her and stated, " Cabin boy, Jack Sparrow, at your service mam." 

"Ma'am, dimwit!" 

__

First Jack didn't know whether she was going to say anything else but instead she asked, 

"Whahuh?" 

__

" Well then, Jack, could you please tell me where I am then?" 

"Your aboard the Pirates vessel the Black Pearl," he said noticing that her eyes where in fact brown like he'd guessed. 

"Whoopdidoo." 

__

"Oh, that's nice," she stated. Jack just gaped at her, nobody in their right mind would consider the Black Pearl as `nice'. 

"I do!" 

"He said right mind." 

"Shut up." 

__

"Well, what are you looking at," she asked him, stirring him from his train of thought. 

"A really stupid Sue who doesn't know that question marks go on the end of a question." 

"I invented the question mark." 

"Liar." 

__

"Um, just wondering, your name," he answered truthfully. 

__

"Oh how rude of me," she said extending her hand, " Jessica Turner, at your service," she said. 

"Don't do it! You'll get cooties!" 

"You're a loony." 

"Am not." 

__

He looked at her hand then shook it. 

"Hold on to something." 

"Why?" 

__

*5 years later* 

"Time shift." Jira moaned as the two agents appeared on the deck of the Pearl. She sat suddenly on the deck and shook her head trying to clear it. It didn't help. 

"Oh… I really, really hate that." Leigh looked over the Words. "And there's another one coming up in a minute." 

"I thinking we should portal to Port Royal before that." 

"Why?" Leigh thought for a second. "Oh right, never mind. We won't all fit on Anamaria's tiny stolen boat." 

"Nope. We can catch up with them after she saves Elizabeth." 

The two agents watched the sword fight for a minute, staying carefully out of line of sight. 

__

"Fuck you," said Jesse in a playful, instead of rude manner. 

"Is that even a word yet?" Leigh helped Jira to her feet. 

Jira nodded. "Yep, invented by the Puritans in the 1600's, I believe." 

"Really?" 

"It means For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. They'd write it on the stocks when someone was being punished for sex related crimes. F.U.C.K." 

"Fabulous." 

"I'm not sure it was in common usage by now, whenever now is. But definitely a word." 

They watched as the Sue told Jack he was neither gentlemanly nor 'hansom'. 

"Hello, pirate." Leigh glared at the Sue. 

__

"What," said Jack looking shocked, " your saying I'm not gentlemanly or hansom." 

Jira smirked. "No Jack, you are not a hansom cab. I'm quite certain of this." 

__

"That would be what I said," said Jesse trying not to look amused, " and your certainly not polite." 

"Pirate!" Leigh snapped, sounding completely exasperated. 

__

Jack just stood there for a moment looking like a fish out of water. Then he put his sword back into it's (?) holster and started to creep up next to her. 

They both heard the question mark and it was Jira's turn to snarl at Jesse. "Holster! What the hell is wrong with you?! Try scabbard, you total total," she sputtered for a second. "A word has yet to be invented for how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one! And a total total one at that!" 

"Geek." 

__

Jack dumped the Sue in a bucket of water for no apparent reason. 

"Let's get out of here." 

"Agreed." Jira pulled out the Portal device and in seconds they were stepping onto the streets of Port Royal. "We should probably change into townspeople or something. We're going to be here a while. 

"Right." The assassins pulled out Disguise generators and quickly changed from uncursed pirates to Port Royal townswomen. "Here comes the time shift." 

"Bugger." 

__

*3 years later* 

"This is most unpleasant." 

"Yes it is." Jira picked herself up rather faster than she had on the last shift. "And the streets are disgusting." She wiped her hands on her skirt. "I don't want to know what that was. I really don't." 

Leigh had managed not to fall, as she had better balance than her partner. "So we should go see Elizabeth fall off a cliff. Wait a minute- I thought she fell off the fort. Where'd the cliff come from?" 

"Bugger if I know." Jira just shook her head and started walking. 

Leigh grabbed her arm. "Oh no! I remember last time. I'm leading." 

"Know your way around Port Royal well, then do you?" Jira said sarcastically, as she followed her partner down the streets. Within minutes they were at the docks. Jira stared at the Interceptor in disbelief. 

"Apparently." 

The assassins watched Mullroy and Murtogg guarding the Interceptor from the Sue and Jack. "They beat us here." 

"Oh well." Jira shrugged. 

__

"Commodore Norrington'll use this ship to hunt down every pirate on the Spanish Lake," said one. " The Interceptor is the fastest ship ever recorded," said the other one trying to bring attention to himself. 

"The Spanish Lake? I thought we were in the Caribbean. And what lake? This is an ocean, nowhere near Spain!" 

"I think she meant Spanish Main. Though you would think even the dumbest Sue would know the difference between main and lake." 

"You'd think." Jira pulled out her notepad, which had been in her Camelbak where Borormir wouldn't eat it. She scribbled quickly, "Doesn't know the Interceptor goes on the ocean. Putting the Caribbean in a Spanish Lake. Not giving Mullroy and Murtogg names. Making Jack 23 during the movie." 

__

Jesse made her face go into one of deep thought, " But what about that one pirate ship, oh what's it called," she said playing stupid. 

"What do you mean playing?" Leigh snapped. 

"Putting your face in deep thought." Jira added another charge. 

__

"The Black Pearl," asked one of the guards. 

"Stealing Jack's lines. Giving Jack's lines to other people." 

__

"Yes, that the one," said Jesse. 

"Well," said the guard on the left, " There's no real ship that can match the speed of the Interceptor." 

"But the Black Pearl is a real ship," said the one on the right, " I've seen it." 

"Taking out the crewed by the damned, captained by a man so evil speech." Jira muttered. 

__

As the two guards argued, Jesse slinked away and joined Jack on the deck of the boat, as he was playing with the wheel. 

Jira and Leigh followed the guards up the gangplank. Jira was keeping an eye on Jack. "Wait a minute, how did he get over there?" 

Leigh glanced back at her partner. She shrugged, "Maybe he flew, like last time." 

Jira put her head in her hands and moaned, "Not again." 

__

"Hey what are you doing up here the guards asked looking at Jack. 

"When people stop talking, you use also use quotes. Otherwise you confuse everyone." Leigh hissed. 

__

"Oh, I just couldn't help myself it's such a pretty boat ... I mean ship," he said innocently. 

"Changing the few lines you actually let him have..." 

__

"And you mam, what are you doing accompanied by this scoundrel," said the other guard staring daggers at Jack. 

"And here I always thought it was 'glaring daggers' at someone. Kinda like what I'm doing now." Jira demonstrated. 

__

"Oh," Jesse said looking surprised by the question, " this is my husband Jack Smith." 

The two guards looked like they had been slapped in the face, but they came back to there senses and asked, " What is your business in Port Royal?" 

"Oh," said Jesse once again looking lost, "what are we here for again honey." 

"Question marks, nitwit." 

__

Jack looked vaguely sick at being called honey but got over it, " Well luv, I'm here to commandeer one of these ships, get a crew in Tortuga, and do a bit of honest pirating. 

Leigh sighed, "Pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasly black guts out, I think you mean." 

"Calling Jack honey." Jira shook her head. "She's just racking up the charges here." 

__

"I said no lies," said the guard looking confused. 

__

"Um, I think he's telling the truth," said the other. 

__

As the two guards argued Jack and Jesse noticed a girl in a velvet gown falling into the water below the cliff. 

Leigh and Jira just looked at each other. "When was she wearing velvet?" Leigh asked her partner

Jira shrugged, "I don't know." 

After arguing for a minute, the Sue stole Jack's part and jumped in after Elizabeth. "Damn her. Seeing him dive is the best part of the movie." Leigh growled as the they went down to the dock to watch Jack tear off Elizabeth's corset. 

__

"You've never been to Singapore," said Jack with a grin. 

Jesse just rolled her eyes, but before either of them could say another word they felt a blade on the back of their necks. 

Jira and Leigh watched poor Norrington's sword split in the middle so it could touch the back of both Jack and Jesse's necks at the same time. "Damn. Will's going to have to make him another one after this. That sword's completely ruined." Jira wrote another charge on the list for sword abuse. 

__

On your feet," yelled Commodore Norrington to the two pirates. 

__

"He wasn't yelling. And where'd the other quote go?" Leigh was watching Norrington with a pleased expression. 

"You lust after men in wigs." 

"Shut up." 

Jira glanced around. "Wait. Where's Governor Swann?" 

"Bugger if I know." 

__

They both stood up slowly and were both grabbed by the Commodore who was trying to keep them away from Elizabeth. 

"He did no such thing!" 

Jesse didn't really like to be held, by anyone, especially this grease ball. She started squirming and when he tried to get a better grip on her she tried to punch him. 

He caught her wrist in mid air and examined it. 

" 'Grease ball'!" Jira grabbed Leigh as she went for the Sue. "Let go! I'll kill her!" 

"Yes, you will. But not yet." Jira held on until her partner stopped struggling. 

__

"Your pirates," he said staring hard at her wrist were the P was branded on her hand, then Jack, walking over and grabbing his wrist, "Ah well, well, well Jack Sparrow isn't it," he asked. 

"Ok, the action very confusing. I thought Norrington was holding both of them. Now he's not. When did that happen?" Jira moaned looking between the Sue, Norrington, and Jack. 

"I don't know." 

__

Jack looked resentful at that mark, " Captain Jack Sparrow if you please," answered. 

"Answered what?" 

"And who, for that matter?" 

__

"Here we go again," muttered Jesse, who found the situation quite funny and was busy putting her boots back on. 

"Yes, because getting captured by someone who is well within their rights to hang you, very funny. Really. What an idiot." Jira snarked at the Sue. 

__

"I don't see your ship ... Captain," sneered the Commodore. 

"You sank your ship." Jira sang. 

__

"Don't taunt Jack." 

"Sorry, couldn't help myself." 

__

"He said he'd come to commandeer one," said one of the guards, handing him Jack's belt and Pistol, and Jesse's sword and knives. The Commodore snorted when he examined the objects. 

"And where did Jack's sword go?" Agent Jira murmured. 

__

"And why does Norrington have Jack's pistol and belt anyway? Jack didn't jump in the water, he should still be wearing them." 

__

"You are without doubt, the worst Pirates I've ever heard of," Norrington taunted. 

__

"Ah, but you have heard of us," said Jesse standing up after tying her boots. 

"Stealing more of Jack's lines." 

__

"Got it." Pencil scribbled across charge list_. _

__

"Correction," said Norrington, " I've heard of him," he said pointing at Jack, " who are you?" 

"Ha, ha!" Jira taunted softly. "You're a nobody!" The Sue didn't notice. 

__

"Jessica Turner not at your service," she said bowing. 

"Why do they think that's a clever retort? The last one said that too." Jira snarled. The repetition of that phrase was getting on her nerves. 

"Because they are stupid and have no sense of irony or humor." Leigh responded. 

"Makes sense. But I'm still charging for it." 

"Please do." 

__

Elizabeth looked a little shocked at her name but didn't say anything, the Commodore's face dawned in recognition also before he ordered, " Get some iron's." 

"I don't want to see any more. Let's go wait in the forge for them." Jira tugged on her partner's sleeve. 

"What, you don't want to see her get taken hostage by Norrington when Jack grabs Elizabeth? And don't forget the highly improbable escape." 

"No, not really. I'm game for charging 'screwing with the laws of physics' and getting the hell out of here." Jira tugged again as Jack threatened Elizabeth's life with a chain. 

"Good with me. Let's go." The PPC agents quickly snuck away and headed for Will's forge. 

When they opened the door Jira hissed at the heated air. "Very hot. Very, very hot." 

Leigh pulled her inside. "Come on. We need to hide." They found a dark corner and settled in to wait. 

It didn't take long. 

__

They both entered the dark blacksmith's shop, it was only lit by a few lanterns and they could barely see but they noticed the walls covered with tools. 

"Did they miss the big hot fire? Fire makes light." 

"Apparently, yes." 

__

"Ahhhh," said Jesse taking a step towards the tools, " sharp pointy objects." she said thinking of the Commodore. 

"I'll kill her!" Leigh growled starting to rise up. 

"Not yet!" Jira pulled her back down. 

Jack and Sue looked over Mr. Brown for a second then let him be. 

__

"Well," said Jack breaking the silence, " how bout those shackles?" 

__

Jesse just nodded and went over to the furnace and lowered the chain between her wrist in the hot coals, when the chain glowed red she let Jack hit it with a sledge hammer, she trusted him enough not to flatten her hand to a pancake. An vole la, her trust paid off, the manacles were gone and only blisters remained. 

"Hey a vole!" Leigh said as the small furry animal ran across the forge and out_. _

__

"Woo who," shouted Jesse, " freedom, those things were quite uncomfortable." she said. 

"No shit, Sherlock. They're made to keep you from escaping. Hello!" Jira nudged Leigh, "Could she be anymore stupid?" 

"Probably." 

"True." During this time the Sue had been preparing to release Jack but hadn't, as Will Turner came in. 

"Hi Sweetie." Jira drooled. 

"Have you no shame?" Leigh looked at her questioningly. 

"None at all." 

__

"Right where I left you," he muttered looking at Mr. Brown the blacksmith. But then he spotted the hammer resting against the furnace, "Not where I left you though," said Will looking puzzled. 

As Will picked up the hammer the Sue slapped his hand with the flat of her sword. 

"Hat. Not hammer. Hat." Jira snarled at the Sue. 

__

Will jumped back and came face to face with Jesse. "You," he stuttered, " your the one there looking for," he said, " your the pirates." 

"What, how, oh…" 

"I second that." 

__

"Actually," said Jack coming from a corner, " pirate's." 

"No, he was right the first time." 

"She's taking the Swordfight. I'm going to kill her! I love this part. How dare she?!" Now it was Jira who had to be restrained from showing herself prematurely. 

"Mine, remember. You can't have her. Don't watch." 

Jira subsided to the floor, stuck her fingers in her ears and hummed. Leigh was stuck watching the Sue fight Will by herself. Eventually she tugged Jira's notebook out of her pack and started writing down charges. Jira ignored her completely. 

"Practicing five hours a day, just to show up Will, stealing Jack's fight, stealing more lines, getting them wrong, spitting on Will when he so kicked your ass…" Despite her claim of practicing five hours a day, Will quickly disarmed her. When Will was pulling back for the final blow, Jack put his pistol against Will's neck. 

__

Will exclaimed, "You cheated," looking at Jack aiming the gun between his eyes. 

"Putting Will's eyes at neck level…" 

__

Jack sent him a look that said, `halloo pirate here' and answered, "Couldn't have you killing my first mate now could I." 

"Taking out Jack's 'Pirate' line." 

__

"Now Jack," said Jesse, " Don't go use'n are only bullet, when I so want to gut Barbossa and shoot him with it," she said imagining that moment and grinning insanely. 

"You can't gut someone with a gun. Simply not possible." 

__

Jack lowered the gun, "Don't worry boy, this shot's not ment for you." 

"Misspelling meant." Leigh glanced at her partner. "Very glad you can't hear him mangling your favorite part because I want to kill her." 

True to the canon, Mr. Brown knocked Jack unconscious with his rum bottle and Norrington burst in, just in time to keep the Sue from killing Will's master. 

__

The Commodore sat there with a cocky grin on his face and said, " Gentlemen, you will always remember this as the day Jack Sparrow and Jesse Turner, almost, escaped." 

Leigh couldn't help laughing out loud. Thankfully the noise from the forge plus the soldiers was enough to keep her from being heard. 

__

Jesse muttered under her breath, "scum sucker." 

"For that I will give you a very painful death. This I promise." Leigh said with utter 

conviction. When Norrington told the Sue she'd be separated from Jack once jailed, she kicked him in the shin. 

Leigh half rose in fury while Norrington sat there jumping on one leg and screamed, "Take them away, Now!" 

"You will also pay for Norrington abuse. And making him sit and jump on one leg at the same time." She wrote it down and pointed the CAD at him. [Commodore James Norrington OOC 32.65%] "Huh. Not that bad." She gave Jira a shove. Jira hummed louder. "Hey!" 

Jira reluctantly removed her fingers and looked at the other agent. "Are they gone?" 

"Yep." 

"Finally. I was running out of verses for A Pirate's Life for Me." Jira got up and helped Leigh do the same. "Looks like the Sue's going to Fort Charles, where ever that is. Shall we follow?" 

Leigh sighed. "I suppose we must." 

"Then we can be cursed undead pirates." Jira smiled as she fiddled with the Portal. 

"Then we kill her." Leigh said as the stepped through. They entered just as the two sailors escorting Jesse managed to get her in her cell. Apparently she'd been screaming, kicking and biting the whole way. 

Jira shook her head, "Doesn't know the meaning of the word dignity, does she?" 

__

"I'll be glad to see that one hanged." One sailor said to the other as they left her alone. 

"So will I." 

"Hanging is so not painful enough." Leigh responded. 

"Ah, anyway you want to do it is fine with me. But the sentiment is there, all the same." Jira watched the Sue trying to figure out a way out of the cell. 

__

When she went to bang her head on the bars that was supposed to be the window she noticed an unnatural fog outside. 

"Pretty sure the bars are on the window, not meant to be the window." 

"This is just sad." Jira glanced at the Words. "Uh oh." 

"What?" 

"More canon fire." 

"Not again." Leigh moaned. "This is getting ridiculous." 

__

Then all the sudden the silence of the fog was broken by the sound of canon fire. 

"I tell ya. I mean I'm no fan of priests really, but I'm not going to use them as weaponry." 

"That's because you have a brain." 

"Thank you. Not that they really are any use as weapons in any case." 

Leigh just looked at her. "A somewhat twisted brain, but a brain." 

__

Then all she heard was the sound of a great massacre going on as the pirates killed any poor sole they saw on the streets. 

"Pirates with a foot fetish." Leigh snickered. 

"Bad pun." 

"I didn't write it." 

The two agents heard a loud thud above them. "What was that?" 

__

*Above the dungeon in Elizabeth's house* The author announced, shaking the walls. 

"The Governor's house." Leigh said, coughing as dust rained down on two assassins. 

Jira covered her face and sneezed repeatedly. "I thought this was a fort," she wheezed after a moment. 

"Since when did the Governor's mansion have a dungeon?" Leigh replied hoarsely. They moved out of the way as Ragetti opened the dungeon's door and came inside. For some unknown reason his wooden eye was squeaking something fierce. 

__

"Hey, dumb ass, could you get me out of this," said Jesse looking highly annoyed from the dirty bench she was sitting on. 

"Yeah, that's going to get cooperation." Jira tried to shake dust out of her hair_. _

"Why should I," he asked eyeing her. 

"Still hasn't figured out the question mark, has she?" Leigh was attempting to brush herself off but the house above was continually settling and making her efforts rather futile. 

__

"Nope." Jira responded as she shoved her hair into a ponytail and muttered under her breath how long hair could be more trouble than it was worth. 

__

"Because, one I have this," she said pointing at the half of the golden medallion hanging from her neck, " two, I demand parlay." 

"Why couldn't he sense the medallion?" 

"Because she cut it half." 

"Oh, interesting." 

Ragetti was cursing as he let the Sue out of her cell. He then promptly forgot that the whole point of Parley was to negotiate with the captain and Jesse-Sue had to remind him. The assassins watched them leave. Jira fiddled with her portal while Leigh set the disguise generator to cursed undead pirates. "To the Pearl?" She said as Jira opened the portal. 

"To the Pearl." Jira grinned as the she stepped through. And promptly hissed at the Sue who was reassuring Elizabeth. "She made Elizabeth a coward! Did she even watch the movie?" 

"As the strong female character, Elizabeth is a threat to the Sue's 'I'm stronger than anyone especially the men' mentality, and therefore must be degraded to pathetic." Leigh handed the charge list over to her partner. "Have fun." 

Jira promptly broke her pencil in her fury. That didn't help her temper but was at least a distraction since all her others had long sense migrated to the bottom of her pack. Finally coming up with a new one, she looked up in time to see Jesse jump Bo'sun and attempt to beat up the unfeeling cursed undead pirate. He escaped and hid. "Making Elizabeth a coward, hurting the Bo'sun when we all know that's not possible, being a pain in the ass," she muttered as she wrote. 

__

Jesse saw he escaped and growled with furry as three pirates came up behind her and pinned her two the ground. 

"Growling with furry, calling the deck ground…" Thankfully the pirates were too busy holding the Sue down to notice one of there number laughing quietly into her hand and one writing frantically in a notebook. 

__

"Black-Jack Jesse," said Barbossa, " I see you haven't changed." 

"Defaming Jack's name by using it as part of your pirate name, having a pirate name, existing…" 

"At least she spelled Barbossa's name right." Leigh said softly. 

"That won't save her." Jira slowly added up the charges. "Get ready." 

"We're taking her now?" Leigh looked at her partner's furious face. 

"Now." Jira strode through the pirates as Elizabeth confronted Barbossa. 

__

"We have come to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal." 

Now it was everyone else's turn to look at Elizabeth in amazement, Barbossa smiled at them and said, " There was a lot of long words in there miss, and we're naught but humble pirates. What is it you want?" 

__

"Really Barbossa didn't you ever go to school," said an exasperated Jesse, " she means she wants you to leave and never come back, duh." 

Just as she finished, a female pirate in black sank her hand into Jesse's ash brown hair, made and fist and jerked backwards. The Sue shrieked in pain and both hands scrabbled madly at her head. Jira twisted and pulled. Jesse kicked and struggled, but Jira- one hand firmly wrapped in Sue-hair, which by it's very nature is strong and resilient- hooked one leg over the Sue's and pushed with her other hand. Jesse went face down on the deck of the Pearl, luckily landing on her hands. Jira kneeled on her back, while Leigh reset the coordinates of their portal. 

Pointing at Barbossa, Jira said "You! Say I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request!" He stared at her. Jira, (who was normally quiet and shy in front of her favorite characters tended to, in moments of fury, follow the "do what I say, or you'll regret it" theory.) "Say it!" 

He blinked at her for a second, until she slammed Jesse's head into the hard wooden deck of the Pearl. Canon snapped back into place. 

"Miss Turner, I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means no." The two agents could see Elizabeth regain her backbone. 

Leigh helped Jira up, dragging the Sue with them by virtue of having a fistful of her hair. Leigh opened the Portal and said to her partner, "Charge her quick." 

They stepped through into blazing hot sunlight in the middle of the desert. Both were wearing sand colored robes and there was a large rock face looming up over them. 

Jira slapped the Sue across face with her free hand. As Jesse sputtered and squinted, Jira turned her head to Leigh, indicated her tangled hand and said, "Little help here?" 

Leigh pulled a gleaming dagger from her sheath, "You charge, I'll cut you loose." 

Jira turned back to Jesse as Leigh started cutting through the hair tangling her fingers. "Jessica Turner, also known as Mary-Sue, you are hereby charge with the destruction of the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. To whit: Being the second child of Bootstrap Bill, being Jack Sparrow's one true love when we all know his love is the Black Pearl, making Captain Jack Sparrow 23 in the movie thereby altering time, changing physics, stealing Jack's lines, stealing Jack's rescue, changing what few lines you actually let him have, calling Norrington greasy…" 

During this time Leigh had tied Jesse's arms together, pulled them over her head and slammed a large metal stake between them. She'd also freed her partner's hand and taken a goodly hunk of hair with it. She put the knife against the Sue's throat. "Hurry up," she Jira urged as the Sue kicked the ground and thrashed around. Hard. 

Jira sped up. "Hurting Commodore Norrington, insulting Commodore Norrington, making Elizabeth a coward and wimp so you can be the only strong female character, defaming Jack's name by using it as part of your pirate name, having a pirate name, existing, growling with furry, calling the deck ground, hurting the Bo'sun when we all know that's not possible, being a pain in the ass, practicing five hours a day, just to show up Will, stealing Jack's fight, stealing more lines, getting them wrong, spitting on Will when he so kicked your ass…" She trailed off when she felt the desert tremble. Jira glanced at her Leigh then at the Sue, jumped to her feet and ran. Leigh was right behind her as they headed for the rocks. The assassin yelled over her shoulder, "And some other stuff I don't have time for- you are condemned to die! Enjoy…" She and Leigh pulled themselves into an alcove on the rock face and climbed up as high as they could. 

"This should be fun." Leigh settled her sunglasses over her eyes and watched as Jesse-Sue screamed and kicked the ground trying to pulling her arms loose. 

Jira's eyes widened as she watched as something enormous under the sand headed toward the body on the sand. She tapped Leigh on the shoulder. "Is that what I think it is?" 

Leigh smugly shoved her crysknife into its sheath. "Yep." 

"So we're on Arrakis? And this would be Seitch Tabr?" Jira saw the worm sign disappear before it reached the Sue. 

"Dune. And yes, Sietch Tabr." 

With a roar of sound and an explosion of sand, Shai'hulud burst out of the sand huge mouthful of teeth engulfing the Sue. Jesse Turner--the Sue who would be really irritating, became a meal, or at least a snack, for one of the great Sandworms of the desert. 

Jira watched in awe. "Now that was an impressive kill." 

"Thanks. I used to work here." Leigh pulled out the portal and set it for home with a practiced motion. 

"Quick and easy disposal method." Jira said as they stepped back into their command center. "But it's very hot here." She shook sand from her uniform. 

"Well what's next?" 

"I don't want to know." 

[Author's note: This one was very annoying. Leigh is completely responsible for the idea of killing a Sue on Arrakis. Sietch Tabr, Shai'Hulud, Arrakis, and crysknives are from Dune by Frank Herbert. The books and movies are very good and I highly recommend them. A Camelpak is a backpack that has a pocket for water and a straw. I love mine, especially when garnering funny looks from people while drinking out of my backpack. Fuck was a likely a real word whenever Pirates of the Caribbean was set (not sure exactly when that was). Leigh and I are hoping to actually spend some time as cursed pirates next time we get the chance. But she really pissed me off.] 


	3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Secrets of the...

Protectors of the Plot Continuum:  
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl  
By Megan@Midnight  
I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe.  Many, many accolades to Elena for her Betaing.  

Pirates of the Caribbean: Secrets of the Caribbean

            Jira and Leigh had been back from Arrakis for no more than ten minutes before the console went off again.  

            [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!]  Jira, who still trying to brush sand out of her hair, jumped and shrieked.  "Ai!"  She strode over to the console and looked at it in alarm.  "Scarlett Bane?!  Nonononono…  I want a shower..  I'm covered in sand and and what the hell?"  She through up her hands in despair and nearly hit her partner Agent Schmuckleigh in the head with her hair brush.  

"Hey!"  Leigh ducked the waving brush, and glanced over the words.  "Oh that's just…"  She glanced at Jira, "What's the word?  Oh yeah, horrible."

            "I completely agree." Jira sighed and shook her head.  "Shall we?"   

            "I guess we have too."  

            The two agents grabbed their packs, adjusted their disguises for the Black Pearl pre Isla de Muerta and stepped through the portal. 

             Onto the Black Pearl.  "Well this look familiar."  Jira remarked.  

            "I wonder why?"  

             _Two ropes were tossed over the Pearl's starboard side, and they were hastily grabbed a hold of by the two pirates cloaked in shadows._

"Ooh, shadow cloaks.  I want one."   Jira said as she peered over the side of the Pearl.   

"I think it's just melodramatic writing.  Not something you can steal."  

            "Oh fine."  Jira and Leigh watched the two pirates climb up the side of the ship.  Jack Sparrow, who was as yet unidentified, finished climbing up his rope, coiled it and handed it to Jira, who promptly shoved it in her backpack.  

            "Why are you stealing his rope?"  Leigh asked..

            "I'm not stealing it. It was a gift."  

            "Why a rope?"

            "He touched it.  I'm keeping it."  

            "Obsessive."

_            His heart skipped a beat when their seven pursuers came into sight, sprinting toward the Black Pearl.  Cursing aloud, he looked down at the lithe figure climbing the remaining rope. _

Jira pulled out her notepad_.  _"Describing yourself as lithe.  Making the Pearl a much smaller ship so it  could be close enough to run to.  Giving poor Jack heart trouble."

            "And we're only in the prologue."    

_             Their pursuers would be upon the ship before she even reached within two feet of the bulwark._

"Couldn't they just pull her up?  You know like they did with Jack? In the movie?"    Leigh asked Jira who was flipping through her pocket dictionary..  

            "Bulwark:  the side of a ship above the upper deck -- usually used in plural."  Jira glanced over the side again.   "So why is she climbing to the upper deck, anyway?  I'd climb to the lower deck because, you know, closer."__

_He only had one remaining choice._

"Kill her!"

_"Scarlett, toss it to me!" The climbing figure looked up sharply, briefly pausing in her long climb.  He knew she could hear their pursuers coming; of everyone on the Black Pearl, she had the keenest hearing._

_            "_Having the keenest hearing on the Pearl."  Jira muttered. 

             Even though Scarlett-Sue was only two feet from the top Captain Sparrow yelled _"I said, throw it to me!"  _The Sue removed a stone from between her breasts and threw it too him.  

"Eww!"  

            "I can't believe he touched it."   

            "Oh gross, Jack." Jira gave a whole body shiver to shake off the disgust..   "Really.  Oh, ah, meh."  

            _ "Good-bye, Scarlett," he whispered to the wind.  With the flick of his wrist, the sword that had been hanging at his side was unsheathed and the blade cut into the wooden railing as it sliced the thick rope into two pieces..  _

"She made him hurt the Pearl!  Oh she must die."  Jira, besides being a Jack and Will Luster, adored the Black Pearl.  

            "That's why we're here."  

            "Oh yeah."  

_The surprised shout of Scarlett Bane, followed by a loud splash, brought all on deck to a standstill..  _

"You fell in the water." Leigh sang out.. 

"Ha ha!"  Jira pointed and laughed.__

_            The captain of the Black Pearl glared at them all angrily.  "What are you standing around for!" he shouted at his crew.  "Get going!"  The crew snapped back to reality.._

"If only."

"What is it with Sue's and Jack angst anyway?"  Jira muttered.  They watched Jack stumble off to his cabin.  

            "I don't know.  There's Bootstrap."  Leigh pointed to the man now standing in front of Jack's cabin door as distraction.  

            "Ooh."  Sadly the only description Bootstrap got was 'a large man', so he looked pretty much like Will, only larger.  

            The assassins  walked up to the cabin door and listened.   Inside, Bootstrap was being gallant on the Sue's behalf. _"Captain, we can't just leave her there!" he exclaimed, looking at his captain with utter disbelief.  "I know what she means to you, so I'm certain that-"_

"Is it me, or does this one have a problem with caps?"  Jira whispered for no apparent reason since the canon characters couldn't hear her anyway..  __

_            "Stick to the code, Bootstrap," the captain growled.  "We stick to the code."_

"At least she knows what question marks are for."  Leigh said as the assassins moved aside to let Bootstrap leave the cabin..  "And now angsty Jack will swallow a whole glass of rum in one go,"  she observed after a glance at the words.  

            Jira nodded, "Yeah, uh huh. We should get to Port Royal before the time shift."  

            "How far is it?"

            "Seven years, and after the movie."  Jira fiddled with the Portal device and jumped through.  Agent Leigh followed her partner into the streets of Port Royal.  Having experienced the headaches and shaking that habitually came with a timeshift, Jira swallowed two Tylenol and leaned against a building for support.  Leigh pressed her head to the nearest wall and held on, fingers gripping stone as seven years passed in an instant.  

            "Bright lady in the morning…"  Jira swore after the shaking had stopped.  

            "So where next?"  

            Jira looked over the Words, "Well, she's in a tavern doing a Strider impression.  We could go there, but she's going to Norrington's office next  and we could just wait there."

            "Norrington. Definitely Norrington."  Leigh pulled out her disguise generator and reset their disguises for Port Royal townswomen. 

            "We'll miss the first description of her hair and eyes."  Jira rolled her eyes as she spoke.

            "Well that's a tragedy."  

            "Yes it is.  Shall we portal?"

            "I think we shall."

            And they did.  Or attempted to, as Jira tripped over the edge of the portal and fell through with a yell, ending up flat on her face in Norrington's office, which would have been nothing more than embarrassing if Leigh, coming through, hadn't tripped over her and landed directly in the Commodore's lap.  

            Commodore Norrington had been having a perfectly normal if busy day,  when there was a shriek from his floor.  Before he could do more than turn in the direction of the sound, a young woman appeared out of nothingness, tripped of something invisible and fell, swearing, into his lap.  The woman stared at him, flushed bright red, and jumped off his lap as if she'd been burned. 

            "Commodore…"  Leigh stuttered, her face burning.  Her partner was being no help at all, still lying on the floor laughing..  

            He rose, one hand on his sword, and said "Madam, who are you and how did you get into my office?"  

            Leigh backed up.  "Uhh, well.  I know you won't believe this but I'm here to help."  She whispered frantically to her partner, "Get up."  

            Jira finally got to her feet and made her way to the door, carefully avoiding Norrington, as not to attract his attention.  

            Norrington watched the strange woman whisper at the floor. 'She must be mad' he thought.  "Madam, I will only ask this once more.  How did you get into this office?"  

            Leigh looked at his sword hand, then his determined face.  She held up her hands while she tried to think of a reasonable explanation.  "Ahh… screw it.  Sea turtles."   

            "What?" He stared at her in confusion.    

            "Sea turtles."  Jira jerked the door open behind her.  "Bye."  Leigh fled out the door, followed by her laughing partner, who slammed the door before the Commodore could follow.  The two agents flattened themselves against the stone wall of the corridor as he peered out.  

            A nameless sentry came over to him.  "Sir, is everything all right?"

            Norrington shook his head.   "Yes, fine," he replied. "I think, he muttered, retreating back into his office.

            As the door shut, Jira leaned her head against the stone wall and laughed.  

            Leigh glared at her.  "Shut up!  It wasn't that funny." 

            "It so was."  Jira dissolved into a fit of giggles.  "Sea turtles?  I can't believe you said that.  I cannot believe it." She clutched her sides.  

            Leigh waited for her partner's fit to die down.  After a minute she said, "It wasn't that funny."  

            "Oh it was, you should have seen your face.  Bright red, I tell you, and right in his lap."  She looked up.  "Was it comfy?"

             "Well yes it… I mean shut up." Leigh considered banging her head on the wall.  

            Jira only laughed harder.  

            And who would come upon them but the Sue.  Scarlett Bane, covered head to toe in a robe and hood.  She  gave the two women, barely a passing glance as she walked by, a sentry proceeding her.  He didn't give them any type of glance since he couldn't see them.  He knocked on Norrington's door and announced the Sue.  

                        _"Tell them to come tomorrow.  I would be more than willing to speak with them then."_

_            "He insists that what he has to say would be of utmost importance to you, and that it cannot wait another minute."_

_            The sentry had just disappeared from the doorway when a cloaked figure stepped inside.  The cloak's hood was pulled over the caller's head, obscuring their face.  Patiently, the cloaked figure closed the door._

Jira and Leigh watched this.  Jira looked at her partner, "Couldn't think of another word for cloaked, could she?"

            "Nope."  

            "Doesn't have access to a thesaurus, poor Sue."  

            "Very sad."  Leigh leaned against the door.  "I can't hear anything."  

            Jira consulted the words. "Heavy oak door.  Sorry.  Not like we're missing much, beyond description number two, Still blonde, green eyed.  And she's telling Norrington who she is and where Jack'll be."  

            "Where's that?"

            "Here apparently, because it's a full moon."  

            Leigh looked confused.  "What does that have to do with anything?"

            Jira shrugged, "Jack's a were-pirate?  Only comes on shore to pillage and plunder during the full moon?  I don't know.."  

            "He's going to catch Jack on the beach."

            "To the beach!"  The two assassins left with Leigh in the lead.  They hadn't been there long when Bane, Norrington and a bunch of soldiers appeared. 

            Scarlett Sue was staring across the water.  _"There they are."_  

_Commodore Norrington glanced at Scarlett Bane. "Where?" he asked, scanning the horizon for the Black Pearl. "I don't see the ship anywhere."_

_Scarlett stared at him with a look of indignation. "You honestly expected Jack to bring the Black Pearl right up to the docks, tie her up, and then leave her there until morning?" She shook her head with a wry smile. "And here I thought you were much smarter than that." She pointed to the far right. "No, if you look carefully, you can see two rowboats coming, and if you look even further, you can just barely see the prow of the Black Pearl behind those cliffs."_

"Making Norrington an idiot, when he knows the Pearl is far to big to pull up to the docks even if her Captain were stupid enough to do so."  Jira muttered.

"Bit of a long charge."    

"No more than she deserves."

_"Yes, I see them now." The Commodore turned to his men and gave them their orders. The score of men quickly spread out. The Commodore and Scarlett stayed where they were. "I believe a thanks is in order," he said, holding his hand out._

"Just one?"  Leigh snarked.

_Scarlett gripped it firmly and shook it. _

"Great now he's got Sue-cooties."  

"Is Sueage really that contagious?'

"I wouldn't be surprised."  Jira glowered at the Sue and wrote another charge.  Leigh looked over her shorter partner's shoulder.  

"Giving Norrington Sue-Cooties?"   Leigh asked.  "Is that even a charge?"

"It is now." 

_"Remember, you are only to catch Jack Sparrow. The crew is to report back to their ship. If I see even one member of Jack's crew harmed, I will personally see to it that-"_

"Yeah, yeah.  I'm sure he's terrified of you.."  Leigh muttered.  

_"You've no need for threats, my lady," the Commodore cut in. "I understand the terms of our agreement, and my men have been told of them as well. They will not lay a finger on any member of the crew."_

"Making Norrington forget his duty, and only caring about catching Jack."  Jira's pencil scratched across paper.  

"Forget the rest of them.  After all they're only, wait, pirates."  Leigh glared more fiercely at Scarlett.  

_"Good," Scarlett replied. Her gaze traveled to the sandy beach beyond where she knew the two rowboats would pull up. "I think I'll stick around to watch." And without another word, she disappeared into the shadows._

"Another charge of thinking yourself to be Strider."  

_The Commodore sighed, questioning himself as to why he was trusting a pirate. _

"Good boy, Commodore.  Question more."  Jira watched Norrington shake his head he watched the rowboats land on the beach.

            "Even the Canon characters question the logic of this story."  

            "I don't blame them."  The assassins went silent as three people climbed out of each of the boats, one with a parrot.  The silence didn't last.  "Think she knows that you can fit a bunch of people into a rowboat?"  

            "Doubtful.  Or two people and a bunch of oars."    Jira snickered..  

_The six men made their way up the beach and onto the docks. None spoke a word as they all followed silently behind their Captain, who swung his head back as he took a long drink from a flagon of rum. _

"Pretty."  Jira said gazing upon her lust object.  

"Why, after landing on the beach did they walk to the docks?"

"Who knows?"

_Suddenly, the small group was surrounded as Commodore Norrington's men dashed from their hiding places, weapons at the ready. When all looked secure, the Commodore stepped from his hiding place and strode into the small ring.. "We meet again, Jack Sparrow," he replied smugly._

"She made Norrington a fraidy cat."  Leigh complained..

            "I'm charging, I'm charging."  Jira said.

_The look of displeasure was evident on Jack's face. He rolled his eyes, leaning to the right as he did so. "Captain," he said. "Captain Jack Sparrow."_

"Why must that line come up in every fanfic? Why?"  Jira cried out in supplication.  

            Leigh jumped, then patted her partner on the shoulder.  "It's okay.  Really." 

_The Commodore ignored Jack and looked to the five men standing behind him. "You five are to return to your ship, and you have my word that you will not be harmed, but do know that if I see so much as a hair from your heads in Port Royal again, you will be taken into custody."_

"Fffffffffffffff…"  Jira hissed through her teeth.

_Jack Sparrow's eyebrows rose high on his forehead as he drunkenly looked over his shoulder to his men. _

Both assassins watched as Jack's eyebrows broke loose from their places and fled up his forehead, stopping only when they reached his hairline.  

            Jira winced.  "That looked unpleasant."

            "Yes, yes it did," Leigh responded, flinching at the sight.  "And why must everything Jack does have the adjective Drunken on it."  

            "Well I think we've already established that this idiot wouldn't know a thesaurus if it bit her on the ankle."  

_ The man directly behind him, Mr. Gibbs, looked at Jack with a furrowed brow. "We will not leave our Captain behind," he said firmly.._

"Are we forgetting the last, what two times you did?"  Jira asked.

"They came back for him."

"That's not the point."  At this point Norrington ordered the five pirates back to the Pearl and Jack, with another repetition of the Captain complaint, to be taken away.  They did not take his weapons, or up him irons.  "Jack so would have escaped."  Leigh complained softly..  

"Yep."

_Scarlett watched in silent pleasure as Jack Sparrow was led away between five men, Commodore Norrington walking behind them with a hand resting on the pistol at his side. She smiled and looked to the cluster of men surrounding Jack. "I'll be seeing you, Jack," she whispered. "And much sooner than you may think."_

"Thank you, miss melodrama.  Stupid Angsty Sue."  Jira hissed as they watched.

"Bloody annoying, that one is." 

"Channeling Spike, are we?" Jira asked with a smile.

"Yes, yes we are."  

"And who's we?"  Jira said as the two of them walked into the night.  

  _Jack Sparrow lazily twirled the empty flagon of rum around and around, watching in utter boredom. He had been in this very same cell quite a few months ago, and, unfortunately, the door had been fixed and made out of a new metal, meaning that even if Will Turner came to bust him out again, he would not be able to do it in the same manner as he had last time._

            "He didn't look so bored last time."  Leigh said, glaring at the Words.  

            Jira was busy tapping on the cell's door.  "So what kind of metal do you think this is?  Electrum, maybe?"  

            "I don't know what that is."  Leigh replied.

            "Alloy of silver and gold."

            "Can't imagine that would make a good door."  Leigh shook her head.

            "I'd expect not.  But what other new metal could it be?"  Jira, very confused, tried to scratch a piece off the bars.

            "Steel?"  

            "Pretty sure steel's been around awhile. Also Will's the blacksmith.  He probably made the doors.  I'm sure he could get them open again," Jira said as a fingernail tore.  "Shit." 

            "I really don't think they'd let him make them again."  

            "He's the best though."

            "Good point.  So he could probably get them open even if he didn't make them."

            "Very likely."  During this exchange, Jack was noticing the two other prisoners in jail with him, one of whom was trying to call key-dog with a bone.  "You know, that's bloody irritating.."  Jira murmured.  

            Any answer her partner might have made was interrupted by the door at the top of the stairs flying open, two guards falling down the stairs and Jack saying _"Déjà vu."_

_            "_Here she comes," Leigh said as the assassins backed out of the way and found a dark corner to watch from.  

            Jack promptly lay down as he heard_ a pair of footsteps came down the stairs, and, from the sound of it, step onto one of the soldier's arms, crushing the bones._

            "Oh that's just horrible!"  Jira moaned..  

            "This Sue's disgusting."  Leigh shook her head trying to drive the sound from her brain.  

Bane was talking to Jack now. _ "I know you're awake, Jack."  _She was still wearing the Strider wanna be cloak.  

            Jira nudged her partner.  "You know he dreams about her voice at night."  

            "That's fabulous.  Really.  Gag me now."  Leigh grabbed her partner's arm before Jira could do more than pull a piece of scarf out of her bag.  "Not literally."  

_"Scarlett, love," he said huskily._

Jira handed the scarf to Leigh.  "Gag me," she said seriously.  

_She reached up and removed her hood so she could glare at him openly.. "Don't start with me, Jack," she warned, her tone of voice masking his. _

"That makes no sense."

"Which part?"

"Either.  Both."  Jira glared at the Sue.  "It makes no sense period."

_"I'm not here to get you out."_

"No duh."

_Jack frowned, understanding flickering across his eyes. "Ah, so you're the Commodore's informer."_

Both assassins snickered as the word 'understanding' raced across Jack's dark eyes, flickering like a dying neon sign.  

            "That's fabulous."  Leigh said.  

            "Indeed."

_She smirked. "You deserved to be caught," she spat.. _

"More spitting.  That is so gross."  Jira said..

            _"Come on, darlin', can't we put the past behind us, now?" His eyes stared into hers, and Scarlett noticed the all-too familiar gleam. She had once melted whenever he had looked at her that way, but not anymore. _

"He can melt her!  She's a witch!"  Leigh laughed.  

            "Try that again with a B."  Jira said.  

_"You left me," she growled, folding her arms across her chest. She smiled at the disappointment in his eyes as he realized his only chance of getting to her was not going to work. "And to top it off, it was you who cut the rope." She lurched forward, bracing her hands against the door, and leaned forward so she was an inch from Jack's face. _

"Whine, whine, whine.  Newsflash, nobody cares!"  

            "Eww… Sue breath."  Jira said.  

_"You, Jack, it was all you. You cut the rope, you left me there, and even you were the cause as to why I was climbing so slowly that night. It was all because of you, Jack. All because of you."_

            "Jeez, this one's a whiny-ass pain in the tail."  Leigh complained.  

            "Angsty-Sue.  So very irritating.  And has she even heard of the Code?"

            "She's stupid."  

_"Think clearly, love. How could I have been the cause as to why you were so slow that night seven years ago?" He reached up to stroke her face but she stepped backward, away from him. _

_"Think about it," she hissed. "Think real hard, Jack." When he continued to stare at her, she scowled, shaking her head. _

"Oh no…  She is so not using pregnancy as a plot-device."  Jira put her head in her hands.  "That's so predictable."  

            "And irritating."  

_            "Forget it," she grumbled. _

            "Not without lots and lots of liquor, I won't."  

            "I'll join you."  

            "I'll grab some rum when we're next on the Pearl."

            "Excellent." 

            They watched the Sue go sweet and friendly with key-dog.   

            "Ick."  Jira muttered.

            "I second that ick completely and totally."

_            "What do ye plan on doin' wit' those keys?" the older man in the other cell asked, smiling at her. She couldn't help noticing the fact that the man was missing all his teeth except three. She turned her back on him. _

"Now that's not very nice."__

"Pirates not really known for dental work."  

_            Jack smiled at her, not letting his gaze travel to the keys that he so desperately wanted to get his hands on. "What are you planning to do with those?" he asked._

"Well, considering her past history…"  Jira trailed off as the Sue  gave the keyring a spin.  __

_            "I can only think of one place I would love to put them," she replied seductively, smiling._

"Hey, I was right!"  Jira grinned at her partner.  Leigh gave her a 'you are very strange person' look.  __

_The smile on Jack's face didn't falter. "So you do still have feelings for me then."_

"Yes, Jack.  Apparently they tend toward the 'want to hang you and steal your ship' type feeling.  But certainly feelings."  

            Jira looked over at Leigh.  "She hasn't gone after the Pearl yet."  

            "Soon."

            Jira gave the Sue a nasty look.  "When she does, we take her."  

            "Fine by me."  

            They watched the Sue angst at Jack a minute longer.  Jira turned to Leigh, "I'm bored.  Let's portal to the Pearl."  

            Leigh glanced back at the Sue, then her partner.  "Okay, I'm game."

            Jira had the portal opening in seconds.  As they left they could hear the Sue chugging the last of Jack's rum as a taunt.

            The PPC agents had a little time on the Pearl before the Sue showed up.  After a minute, Jira looked at Leigh.  "So.  What shall we do?"

            "Hm…"  Leigh looked thoughtful.  "Let's go find and steal some of Jack's rum."  

            "Good plan." Jira glanced around the deck.  "To the Captain's cabin?"

            "Aye!"  Laughing, the two assassins slipped through the pirates on deck and into Captain Sparrow's cabin.  

            "Shall we rifle through his stuff?" Jira said once the door shut.  

            "Yes, I think we shall."  Leigh grinned.  And they did.  The rum wasn't hard to find, several unopened bottles in a crate under the bed.  

            Jira grabbed one and passed the other to her partner. "Yo ho, yo ho.  A pirates life for me."  They clinked the bottles together.  "When we get back,"  Jira said sadly as she put her in her pack.

            Leigh put her own bottle away and looked out the door.  "Well, looks like the single ray of the sun is basking the Pearl. The Sue'll be giving herself rope burn any second."  

            Jira joined her at the cabin door.  "That looks very strange," she observed.  True to the Words, the sun was basking the Pearl in a ray of glory.  This strange turn of phrase was manifesting as a ray of sunlight moving up and down the Black Pearl, covering it in little bits of golden glitter and singing "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" Jira blinked and rubbed her eyes, "Very, very strange."  

            "Could not agree more," Leigh said as she shook her head.  The two agents stepped out on deck, both jumping when a _loud caw_ _sounded loud and clear.  _"Cotton's parrot appears to have before a crow."  

            Jira turned to look.  Sure enough, the parrot had become a crow.  It's bright blue feathers turned dark, body shifting.  Jira got out her notebook.  "Hurting a helpless, if annoying parrot by turning it into a crow.  

            The Sue, who had been sneaking up on Mr. Cotton, now lunged at him.  At this point, the crow-parrot, pissed off at having a species change, attacked her and cut a deep gash in her arm.  "Whoo!"  Jira cheered it on, as the rest of the crew surrounded the Sue.  

            _She frowned. "Who are all of you?" she asked, looking at each face in turn, hoping she had been mistaken. "Where are Jacobs and Barbossa, Bootstrap and Connelly?"_

_A look of surprise flashed across the eyes of every crewmember. _

"Again with the flashy eyes," Jira hissed.  

            "And I doubt every crew member on this ship would know Bootstrap or Barbossa."  Leigh said as she watched Scarlett-Sue explaining that they had been her old crew mates.  

            "So not!"  Seven years ago.  "Don't think so, dumbass."  

_"You know Jack? How is he?" the man asked quickly, moving closer to her with each word._

"I  can't even begin to get into the problems with that sentence."  

_Scarlett stumbled to her feet and backed away._

            "And here I thought they had her surrounded."  Jira said softly.  After another minute of listening to the Sue, she turned and wandered off.  

            Leigh looked at her.  "Jira.  Jira!  Hey, come back."   Her partner ignored her, leaning against the door to the captain's cabin gazing off at the ocean.  Anamaria very nearly hit the Sue as Leigh joined her partner.  "What are you doing?"

            Jira stared through her for a few seconds then said, "I'm bored.  This is the most dull, uninteresting, boring, stupid Sue I've ever had."  She gestured at the Sue who'd just made Joshamee laugh.  "I mean really.  Most of them at least hold my interest while I'm trying to kill them, but this one…"  She made a face as Gibbs and the Sue walked towards them and then moved off the door and out of the way as they went into the cabin.  Leigh stuck her foot in the door so they could still hear the dialogue.

_"Here we are, lass." Gibbs sat on the bed beside her and began cleaning the wound. Scarlett hissed in pain, wincing. "What, you expected it to be painless? What kind of a pirate are ye?" Gibbs joked. _

            "A really pathetic one, I'd say."  Jira muttered from the starboard side of the door.

            "I'd have to agree."  Leigh said leaning against the wood on the opposite side.  

_He finished wrapping the wound in a makeshift wrap and patted her on the shoulder. "All done. You just lie right here while me and the crew 'ave a meetin'." He stood to leave, but Scarlett called for him to stop._

"Amazing how she call for him to stop without saying anything."  Jira said softly as Gibbs opened the door.

_"A meeting on what?" she asked curiously. _

_Gibbs smiled warmly. "Jack's situation. We ain't just gonna let him die in that cell. We're gonna do something about it."_

_Scarlett frowned. Why the hell not? She thought, but said instead, "What about the code? You know, the code where you leave the stragglers behind?"_

"Technically, he's captured, not straggling."  

            "Would have been more interesting if she'd said what she was thinking."

            "Well, she's angsty.  Which apparently is another word for dull."

            "How about pointless?"  Leigh suggested.

            "That's excellent description of this fic.  I completely agree."  

_Gibbs shrugged, his smile growing. "We consider the code to be more like guidelines, really. Sleep well, now!" And he ducked out the door.  _The two agents watched him walk across the deck.  Leigh put her foot back in the door.

_Scarlett stared at the closed door in disbelief. "Guidelines?" If the code was now considered 'guidelines', how was she going to convince this new crew to leave Jack behind?_

Jira stared at the mostly closed door in ice cold fury.  "You aren't.  Because I'm going to kill you."  Her slow smile held no humor.  And her eyes burned.

            Leigh looked uncomfortable.  Her partner's last display of temper had had her beating the Sue with the deck of the Pearl.  But this wasn't a display of temper.  This was hatred.  Cold enough to burn.  "So you want to get drunk?" Leigh asked brightly.

            Jira glanced up.  "Sure."  

            The next morning found the two assassins lying on the deck of the Black Pearl.  Leigh woke to the sound of cursing from her right.  She rolled over to face her partner who was lying on her stomach watching Bane talk to Will and swearing creatively under her breath.  

"Should I even say good morning or would that be a waste of breath?"  Leigh asked.

Jira looked over at her partner.  "It's not a good morning.  And I really need to remember to bring a blanket or something to sleep on. The deck's rather uncomfortable."    

Leigh nodded.  "This is true."  She gestured at the Sue, "So what's going on?"

            "Well, Will's here to break Jack out.  And the dumb bint's gaining his trust by helping.  Even though she hates Jack."

            _Scarlett straightened, her appearance and stance changing from the seductive temptress to the cocky pirate. _

"Slut."  

_ "I know my way around this ship well," she replied truthfully. "After all, I did once live on it." She smiled and added, "Though I believe I know my way around Jack's cabin much better than the rest of the Pearl." This last statement seemed to have caught both Will and Gibbs off guard. She shook her head, the smile disappearing from her face. "Enough games," she said abruptly. "What will it take to convince you of my sincerity?" She looked between both men, searching their faces._

_            "_As I said before." 

_Will uncertainly looked to Gibbs, who gave Scarlett a calculative look. "Help us," he finally said, glancing at Will from the corner of his eye. "Help us free Jack from his prison cell in Port Royal and I'll believe ye whole-heartedly."_

Jira was staring at Joshamee's face.  She looked at Leigh, "What in the name of the demon Gachnar does a calculative look mean?"

            "Calculating?"

            "Piss poor way of saying it."

_Will furrowed his brow and looked to Scarlett and then back to Gibbs. "You can't honestly expect me to work with her?" he asked incredulously. "She's…" _

"Stupid?"

            "Irritating?"

            "Dull?"

            "A shit festering whore?"

            Leigh glanced at her partner, "Damn."

            "Thank you."

_"If you were thinking the word prostitute, erase it from your mind," Scarlett said dryly. "I'm no one's prostitute. I don't give away any part of me for gold."_

"I believe I said shit festering whore." 

            "And I doubt she's worth that much." 

_"Certainly," Gibbs said with a brisk nod. "So, do we have an accord or not?"_

"Just say no!"

_Scarlett's lips tipped up in a smile while she racked her brain anxiously. Helping Jack escape would only dig herself deeper into this situation than she wanted to be. He'll never let me hear the end of it._

            "Good."

_ But if she didn't, no one on the Black Pearl would trust her. How could such an easy plan become so complicated? _

"Because your plan sucks."__

_ Biting back a sigh, she nodded. "Certainly. I hate to think of Jack locked in a prison cell." I'd prefer to think of him as a resident in Hell._

"Yeah, yeah"

_"I can work alone," Will said, giving Gibbs a look that could melt ice. _

_"I'm so certain you could," Scarlett spoke up. "However," she held a finger in the air, "I am interested as to how you would go about it. There will be, for sure, enough guards there to fill an entire tavern. So please, enlighten me. Are your fencing skills so great you can fight off all those men, rescue Jack, and get back to this ship safe and unseen?"_

"Yes, yes they are."  

_Will looked at her in exasperation. "How would you go about it?" he asked tightly._

_She smirked and turned around as if she was a runway model. "I am a woman," she replied. "Enough said."_

"Actually that clarifies nothing."  Jira said as she got to her feet.  She picked up her backpack and head across the deck.  The Sue and Will had already left to go free Jack.  

Leigh got up and followed her.  "So what are we doing?"  

            "We're going to skip a bit."  

            "Can we do that?"  Leigh looked skeptical as they entered Jack's recently vacated cabin.  

            Jira sat down at the table and started going through her pack.  "We won't be missing anything.  They retrieve Jack after  Scarlett uses her uber woman power to slaughter Jack's guards."  She pulled a small glass bottle of clearish liquid out of her bag and set it on the table.    The label on it said _Lagocephalus scleratus.  _She went back to looking through her pack.  "Then they meet Elizabeth at the smithery."

            "Smithery.  Interesting new word, I think."  

            "No doubt. Anyway, they meet, they come back here, Jack drinks four bottles and a glass of rum in about ten minutes..."  

            "After which he gets alcohol poisoning and dies…"

            "Yeah.  You can tell this person's not old enough to even think about drinking yet."  Jira said as she pulled out a round Tupperware container and a small paint brush.  "She steals his hat and puts him to bed, after which she and will have meaning full conversation about their respective ages, she thinks he's 28, and in the morning she plans to steal the Pearl."  During this time Jira had popped open the container and taken a metal throwing dart out.  The dart was about three inches long, steel tipped, with an electric blue and silver flight.  

            Leigh whistled.  "Pretty."  

            Jira laid the dart on the table and took up the paint brush.  "Um hm."   She uncorked the glass bottle and dipped the brush in the liquid.  Carefully she ran the brush over the steel tip of the dart, letting the thick liquid coat the metal.  She let the liquid dry for a minute, turned the dart over and coated the other side.  

            "So what is that anyway?"

            "Surprise for Sue of our acquaintance."  Her smile was malevolent.  

            Leigh watched her partner replace her supplies, being exquisitely careful with the wet paint brush which she wrapped in plastic and the placed in a sandwich baggie.  The coated dart was left on the table for the moment.  

            "All right.  I think we're ready."  Jira hung her pack over on shoulder and as Leigh got out the portal device.

            "Tomorrow?"  

            Jira picked up the dart, very carefully.  "Let's go."

            They stepped out straight into the confrontation between Jack and Bane-Sue.  

_"You…" He swayed for a moment, racking his brain for a witty remark, but nothing came to mind. Damn that smile of hers! "You stole me ship."_

_Scarlett snorted, staring at him in disbelief. "Thank you for stating the obvious, Captain." She so wanted to laugh out loud at that moment. "But, really, I didn't steal it: I borrowed it, although you can't really call this borrowing seeing as you are on board, so really I've just taken control of the ship _OW!"  She shrieked as a steel tip embedded itself in the small of her back.

"Bullseye," Jira smirked as Scarlett scrabbled at her back trying to pulled the dart out.  The assassins climbed up the stairs to the helm, Jira nudging Jack lightly out her way.  "Excuse me, Captain Sparrow." He stepped aside.  Jira strode to Scarlett Bane and jerked the dart out.  

The Sue glared at her, "What are you doin tt meee…?"  Her voice slurred and her hands went to her mouth.  Jira pulled Jack's hat off Scarlett's head and tossed to Leigh.  

Leigh handed the leather hat to Jack. He stared at her.  "Thanks very much."  

Leigh smiled brightly.  "Welcome."  She watched Scarlett's muscles start to tremble and tense.  

Jira opened a portal behind the Sue.  "Scarlett Bane, you are being formally charged as a Mary-Sue by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum.  Let's go."  She pushed the tense and gasping Sue through the portal and stepped after her.  Leigh waved at Jack before following her partner into the portal.  

And stepped out into the cavern of Isla de Muerta. "Pretty."  

Jira stood over the Sue smirking.  "Oh yeah. You want to charge?"  

"In a minute.  What'd you do?"  

"Tetrotoxin."  Jira said grinning evilly at the Sue.  "Pufferfish.  Fugu."  

"I'm sorry?"  

            "I'm not.  It's pufferfish poison.  A neurotoxin that causes, among other things a descending paralysis, convulsions, respiratory failure and funnily enough, feelings of doom."  She kicked the Sue in the leg.  "Are you having feeling of doom yet?"  Scarlett stared at her, fear showing plainly in her expression.  

"Fabulous."  Leigh pulled out the charge sheet.  "Here we go.  Should I hurry, Jira?" 

Jira shook her head.  "Take all the time you need.  This could take hours."  She continued grinning at Scarlett.  

"Good.  Okay then, Scarlett Bane, you are officially charged with disrupting the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean by being a Mary-Sue, causing time distortions, disrupting the characters of Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Joshamee Gibbs, Elizabeth Swann, Anamaria, Commodore James Norrington and the Black Pearl.  You have also caused time distortion i.e. making the movie happen only seven years after the mutiny at least, when anyone with half a brain knows it was ten years, describing yourself as lithe, making the Pearl a much smaller ship so it could be close enough to run to giving poor Jack heart trouble when he's already got enough problems with all you Sues after him, having the keenest hearing on the Pearl, being incredibly melodramatic, being an angsty Sue, having the most disinteresting dialogue we've ever heard."  Leigh stopped as the Sue convulsed on the gold littered floor, spittle flying from her mouth.  "Is she going to live for me to finish this?"

"I expect so."  Jira said, taking a step back to avoid the flying Sue spit. 

"Good.  Making new metal, making Commodore Norrington blind, making him make deals with pirates, describing yourself twice in row, pretending to be Strider repeatedly blending in with shadows way to fucking often, giving Jack alcohol poisoning, stealing his hat, trying to steal his ship, quoting directly from the movie over and over again, turning a parrot into a crow, defiling the Pearl with your very presence , making bad jokes and your very existence you are condemned to die."  Leigh sat down next to her partner, who was watching the Sue jerk on the cavern floor.  "So how long will this take?"

"Few hours." Jira said.  

"Want some more rum?"

"Cool."

The End

[Author's notes:  Fugu is a pufferfish.  It's served in Japan, and has to be specially prepared by professional chef and still kils people every so often.  _Lagocephalus scleratus _is a species of pufferfish known for being especially toxic. I studied to be a Marine Biologist at  UNCW and I hope to get back there for a Ph.D as soon as I can afford it.   Gachnar is a fear demon from Buffy: the Vampire Slayer.  Anyone who can spot the Red Dwarf quote, I'll be very impressed.  Anyone who knows what Red Dwarf is, I'll be pretty impressed frankly.]   


	4. Caribbean sisters

Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Pirates of the Caribbean: The curse of the Black Pearl   
  
By Megan@Midnight  
  
Disclaimer: Neither The PPC or PotC belongs to me. Jay and Acacia own the first Disney the second. Jira and Leigh would like to say that we belong to ourselves thank you. Many thanks to Elena for her Betaing of this peice. Much obliged here.   
  
Caribbean Sisters  
  
"Well that was fun," Agent Jira Foley said as she and her partner Agent Schmuckleigh stepped through the portal into their command center. The response center, had, until then, been occupied by Jira 's neurotic Mini-Balrog Borormir, who was hiding under the console as usual.  
  
Agent Schmuckleigh nodded. "Yes it was. Must say those last six hours were certainly educational," she said, referring to Scarlett Bane, the most recently assassinated Sue.   
"I should write a paper on the effects of tetrotoxin on the average Sue." Jira said as she hung her pack on the wall. "Borormir!" Jira knelt by the command console and peered at her mini. He hissed at her. "I'm sorry, baby. I've been so busy lately. I promise I'll spend more time with you."   
  
At this point the narrative laws of comedy or possibly just the bloody mindedness of the universe kicked in.   
[BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEP!]   
  
"Ow!" Jira yelped, banging her head on the underside. Borormir hissed as Leigh snickered at her partner as she turned off the console. Jira cursed softly as she rubbed her head. "What is it this time?"   
  
Leigh glanced over the story. "Complete rewrite of the movie with Commodore Norrington's two younger sisters," she said, cringing.   
  
"Ffffffffffff," Jira responded, staring over her partner's shoulder. "You know, this is going to suck."   
  
"I completely agree." Leigh, who hadn't had time to take off her backpack, watched Jira pull her down from the wall and put it back on. "Shall we go? And kill?"  
  
Jira briefly wondered if the pack would, over time, corrode her shoulders to nothingness. "I suppose. So, townies?"   
  
"First, anyway." Leigh programmed their disguises in and opened the portal.   
  
"Bye, sweetie!" Jira yelled over her shoulder as she followed her partner through the portal.   
Alone again Borormir peered out from under the console and grumbled softly to himself.   
  
TEN YEARS LATER  
  
The booming voice out of nowhere assaulted the two PPC agents immediately upon their arrival through the portal into Port Royal.   
  
"Ai! Must they yell the time? Really. Much pain." Jira swore at the voice.  
  
"Ten years later than what?" Leigh muttered, glaring at the Sues.   
  
"Later than… No I can't think of a reasonable explanation." Jira grumbled  
  
_Alexandria Norrington forced a smile as Elizabeth Swann appeared in front of her. They both curtsied._  
  
Elizabeth Swann, who had previously been somewhere that was else, appeared out of thin air in front of Sue number one and curtsied. "Huh. Interesting. Why the curtsies?"  
  
"They sure don't look like royalty." Leigh said.   
  
"Sues," Jira sighed. "They have delusions of grandeur."   
  
"Undeniable." Leigh said.   
  
_"Good day Alexandria." Elizabeth said in a mock sweetness._  
  
"Goddamned Elizabeth bashing."   
  
_"Good day Elizabeth." Alex said through clenched teeth._  
  
"Can you speak that clearly through clenched teeth?"  
  
"Ai don'ttt think ssso." Jira hissed, attempting the Sue's feat. Her tee's and esses came out severely mangled.  
  
_"Lovely day, isn't it?" Elizabeth asked._  
  
"Ah the joys of inconsequential conversation." Jira said leaning back on a wall.   
  
_"Quite." Alex replied. And that was the end of the conversation. _  
  
"Um… yay?"   
  
_Alison Norrington looked between the two and shook her head. Those two never got along anymore. They hadn't ever since the three had become friends with Will Turner. Both Elizabeth and Alex had crushes on Will._  
  
"True love is not a crush."   
  
_Though, both crushes were for different reasons. Elizabeth liked Will because he was handsome. While Alex found Will handsome, she was also like his best friend. She knew everything about him. They did everything together._  
  
"Does a lot of blacksmithing then, does she?"  
  
"Doubtful. Highly doubtful." Jira shook her head.   
  
_Much to James Norrington's displeasure. James didn't like Will and that was because James was in love with Elizabeth. But Elizabeth wanted Will. See the problem?_  
  
"Yes. Indeed. It's both of you." Leigh said as she glared at the Sues.   
  
"Being Will Turner's best friend. Bashing a strong female lead. Making Elizabeth severely shallow. Inflicting yourselves on poor Norrington." Jira mumbled as she wrote charges.   
  
_"Ali! How wonderful to see you!" Elizabeth exclaimed. Elizabeth and Alison got along fantastic. Unfortunately, this had caused a rift between Alison and Alex. That was another reason Alex always hung around with Will._  
  
"And not, of course to try and draw him away from his canon love interest." Leigh said as she watched Elizabeth with Sue number two.   
  
"Disrupting canonical romances, because you want Orlando Bloom."  
  
_"And how wonderful it is to see you also Liz." The two girls hugged and started talking. Leaving Alex to become bored._  
  
"Fragmenting sentences.   
  
_After her brother's ceremony, she managed to escape to the black smith's shop where Will was surely to be. Alex had perfect timing._  
  
"Why am I not surprised?" Leigh said glaring at Sue number one.   
  
"You can see the future?"  
  
"Yes and I see… Horrible pain for us." Leigh held her hand to her forehead   
  
"I see that too. Wonder why?" Jira said, watching as Will appeared directly in front of his shop.   
  
_She saw Will about to head into the shop._  
  
"She saw seashells at the sea shore."   
  
"Okay…" Jira said taking a step back from her partner.   
  
_"Will!" She shouted. Will turned and smiled at her. She ran over to him with a smile.  
  
"Hi Alex." He said.  
  
"Hi Will. I saw the sword that you made for my brother. Its beautiful." Will smiled._  
  
"Being too dumb to know the difference between it's as in it is and its the possessive."  
  
"That's just sad." Leigh muttered.   
  
_"Thanks." Alex was the only one who knew that it was he that made all the swords. "Care to come in and have another lesson of sword fighting?" Will had been giving Alex lessons in sword fighting for over a year now. And he had to admit that she was getting pretty good. _  
  
"Have another lesson of sword fighting?" Jira moaned, shaking her head. "It's writing like that that makes me want to stab myself in the foot."   
  
"Make me want to stab her in the foot." Leigh responded.   
  
The two agents followed Sue-one aka Alex and Will into the shop. And nearly ran into her as Will noticed something not right, and ordered Alex to stay.   
  
_Frowning, Alex obeyed as Will headed over to his workbench. "Not where I left you." He said. _  
  
"Copying dialogue right out of the movie. Leaving out bits of the movie." Jira frowned as a thought struck her. "Wait, Elizabeth didn't get proposed to, didn't fall and have to be rescued, and Norrington didn't run to try and rescue her, right?"   
  
Leigh thought about it. "That's right."   
  
"So why is Jack here? Shouldn't he be still stealing the Interceptor?"   
  
"Yes he should," Leigh said following her partner's train of thought.  
  
"I'm confused…" Jira put her hands over her face.   
  
_Then he saw a hat. He went to touch it when Alex shouted,_  
  
"When you change paragraphs, we put periods on the ends of sentences."   
"Abuse of the common comma. Bloody Sues." Jira muttered.   
  
_"WILL! Look out!" Will looked up and into the eyes of a pirate._  
  
As he did this the Canonical universe gave a shimmy. Colors and sounds spun together in a blinding nothingness and a deafening silence. Agent Jira tried to clap her hands over her ears and her eyes simultaneously, which resulted in shoving her glasses high up on her nose and causing some slightly distracting pain from the canon shift. Agent Schmuckleigh managed the more sensible but still ineffective method of clamping her eyes shut and covering her ears. Neither method helps as the world twisted and spun around them.   
After what could have been seconds or hours later Leigh felt the world resolve into something solid. A voice said: Prologue: 'Fog'. She rested her head on something cool and hard. After a moment she realized it was the deck of a ship, and there was a voice in the background singing. "Oh no."   
  
_".We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot. Drink up me 'earties Yo ho!"_  
  
"Why is there a period on the beginning of that sentence?" She murmured lifting her head up a few inches from the deck. From her vantage point she could see the two Sues and little Elizabeth standing at the prow of the ship.   
  
"What the hell?" Agent Leigh murmured as she glanced around the ship. The Sues appeared to be about 10, the same as little Elizabeth. Her partner, on the other hand, appeared to be curled into a ball on the deck about ten feet in front of her, moaning. Agent Leigh slowly got to her feet, trying to keep her balance. Between the backwards chapter time shift and swaying of the unnamed ship beneath her feet it wasn't as easy as it should have been. She knelt by her partner.  
  
Jira was moaning softly. "We hates them, my precious… We hates them forever. Wants to make them hurt we do. Wants to make hurt lots…"   
  
Leigh carefully tapped her partner's shoulder. "Uh, Jira? Hello? Anyone in there?"   
  
Jira hissed out, "Give them to her, yes precious. We gives them to her. Our pretty angel. Yesss… That's what we wants." She rolled over onto her back, and grinned up at her partner, a fixed rather mad grin. She was holding her Camelbak clutched to her chest. "She'll fix them, she will. They'll be sorry they hurts our canon. Yesss…"   
  
Leigh stared at Jira. "Okay then." She stood up and nudged Jira's shoulder with her toe. Jira blinked up at her.   
"Hello." She shook her head. "I've had an idea." She gave her partner an evil grin.   
  
Leigh flinched but gave her a hand up anyway. "You frighten me."   
  
"Oh good." Jira looked around the ship, finally focusing on the Sues who were learning the meaning of short drop and sudden stop from Mr. Gibbs. Agent Jira rubbed her hands together as she turned back to her partner. "I've a glorious idea."   
  
"Okay. Want to tell me, or should I guess?"   
  
"Wouldn't help. It'll be a surprise."   
  
"A good surprise?" Leigh was just a little concerned for her partner's sanity at this point. Though seeing as madness tends to be a pre-requisite of working for the PPC, one wonders why she bothered.  
  
"Not for them." The evil grin was firmly in place. Both agents jumped as Sue and Elizabeth yelled,   
  
_"LOOK!" They both said.  
  
"A boy there's a boy in the water!" Alex yelled. Elizabeth sighed._  
  
"Yeah, I'd sigh too if I had all the Sue's after my man." Jira commiserated with the canon character.   
  
_"Man Over board!" Mr. Gibbs yelled._  
  
"He did not," Leigh said as the two agents watched young Will get hauled on board.   
  
_"Mary, mother of god!" The three girls and the rest of the crew turn to look to see a shipwreck with dancing flames falling into the dark waters. Alex gulped._  
  
Jira and Leigh watched the burning ship's flames dance. Jira pointed at one particular set. "Is that a foxtrot?"   
  
Leigh examined the dancing flames with a critical eye. "Could be. The ones doing the flamenco are nice too." She pointed.   
  
"Ooh. Very impressive." Jira said admiringly.   
  
_"A lot of good it did them. Everyone's thinking it; I'm just saying it - pirates!" Alex gasped. Real pirates? Real? Alison shook her head as if she knew what her sister wsa thinking._  
  
"Wsa!" Jira said, snickering.  
  
Leigh turned to her. "Wsa?"  
  
"Wsa!"  
  
"Oh… Wsa."  
  
"Aye, wsa. It's a nautical turn." Jira said.   
  
"Hmm… And here I thought it was just bad writing." Leigh said tapping her chin.   
  
"Well, that too." Jira shrugged as she glanced over the words. "Uh oh."   
  
Leigh glanced away from Sue-one, who was stealing Elizabeth's 'I'm watching over you, Will' line. "What?"  
  
"We're about to switch back."  
  
"Oh great." She glanced at the words. "We'd better portal back."   
  
Jira looked confused. "Why?"   
  
"Unless you'd like to end up in the middle of the sword fight? We come back right where we left off."   
  
"Nnn… Portal. Definitely portal."   
  
Leigh set her portal for Port Royal, outside Mr. Brown's shop, rather than inside with Will, Sue-one, and Jack. The two agents fled through, just ahead of the time jump forward.   
  
Jira and Leigh ran up against the wall of the blacksmith's shop just as time shifted ten years forward. "I'm so very tired of this." Jira said after Canon steadied its self.   
  
"Me too." Leigh said leaning her head back against the wall. "Why can't they just set it in one time period?"   
  
Jira just shook her head. "Bugger if I know." She glanced at the shop door. "Should we go in or eavesdrop from here?"   
  
"I'm all for eavesdropping."   
  
The two PPC agents made their way to the door of the blacksmith's shop. Jira pressed her ear to the wood while Leigh followed along with the Words.   
  
_"And who are ye, young lass?" The rouged pirate who seemed to be wearing a red bandana over his forehead with his black hair draped over it. She studied his colorful beads hanging from his hair. Cool. She thought. So this was a real pirate!_  
  
"They're called commas. Use them."   
  
"Jack's a rouged pirate!" Jira started snickering. "You know, other than the kohl, I really don't remember him wearing all that much makeup. Do you?"  
  
Leigh shook her head, smiling at the image of Captain Jack Sparrow in lots of rouge. "Not really. And with his complexion I hardly think he needs any." She checked the Words again and sighed a la Barbossa. "Cool not a word yet."   
  
"Using anachronistic words. Got it." Jira leaned back against the rough wood.   
  
_"You think this wise boy, crossing blades with a pirate?" He began to get ready in his position.  
"You threatened Ms. Swann."_  
  
"No, he didn't. Not in this fic anyway."   
  
_"Oh please." Alex muttered rolling her eyes._  
  
"Just what I was thinking."   
  
_"Only a little."_  
  
"Not at all actually." Jira shook her head at her partner in despair. "You know, if they're going to screw with the story line you'd think they could at least be consistent.   
  
"Not in this Sue-age I wouldn't."  
  
"Well, true," Jira shrugged.  
  
_"Alex get out of here." But Alex wanted to watch. She never saw a pirate in her life fight before! This was very exciting to see. So he wasn't all that charming but sword fighting was one of Alex's favorite things. She pretended to leave but hid behind a small table. The two men began too fight and Alex's eyes widened. A pirate knew so well!_  
  
"A pirate knew so well what? What?!"   
  
"Calm down."  
  
"Don't want to. What did he know so well? I want an explanation for that piece of stupidity."   
  
"Sue fic." Leigh said.  
  
"Oh. Right." As Jira went back to listening against the door a good four inches of very sharp metal suddenly exploded through it. Jira gasped as the tip of Will's thrown sword came within a centimeter of her face. Inside she could hear Jack trying to pull the weapon free.   
  
"Wow," Leigh said as she came over to examine the sword tip. "That was close."   
  
"Nnnnhn." Jira said backing away with a shocked look on her face.   
  
Leigh peered over at her partner. "You okay?"  
  
"Nnn…" Jira hit the opposite wall from the shop, her gaze fixed on the weapon's point. "Niii."   
  
"He didn't get you."   
  
Jira turned her eyes to her partner. She lifted a hand, thumb and first finger held a little bit apart. "This close. This close and that would be in my ear."   
  
Leigh nodded. "This is true."   
  
"I don't like it here. Let's go visit Norrington. They'll be there soon anyway." Jira said her fingers trembling.   
  
"Okay." Leigh said as her partner pushed off the wall. "Walk or portal?'  
  
Jira took a deep breath. "Walk. That was a little nerve wracking."   
  
Careful of her partner's nerves Leigh took the long way to the Commodore's office. The agents arrived not long after Norrington had finished bawling out Sue-one for staying for Will's fight scene.   
  
_"I have work to do. Leave please. And you're grounded to the house." This was more than Alex would stand for. She jumped to her feet.  
  
"You are not father!" She shouted. James grew stiff, his back was still to her._  
  
"Well, that's a nice way to treat your legal guardian."   
  
_"I know that I am not father. But he would have been just as cross with you Alexandria." Alex glared at him, her hands were balled into fists.  
  
"No! Father was kind! He never would have grounded me." Then Alex stormed out of his office and ran outside. James stared out the window after her._  
  
"What a whiny ass little brat!" Jira muttered, glaring at the Sue as she ran by.   
  
"Poor Norrington. Having to take care of a brat like that," Leigh shook her head angrily. "How old are this pests supposed to be?"  
  
"Same as Elizabeth I believe. 18 to 20."   
  
"And so very immature. Acting like a spoiled little kid. Pathetic."   
  
The Commodore called for Alison who, true to the words, appeared moments later. Out of thin air.   
  
_"Yes James?"   
  
"Follow your sister. And make sure that she doesn't go to see Mr.Turner please." Alison nodded, curtsied, and followed after her sister._  
  
"What's wrong with Will? And didn't he just ground the brat?" Jira said as they followed behind Sue-two.   
  
"I'd swear he did." Leigh responded, as they found themselves walking down to the cells. They came out as Sue-one was talking to Jack through the bars. The two agents sidled away from the Sues and leaned against the wall.   
  
_"If I get you out..." She was stopped mid-sentence by Alison who emerged behind her.  
  
"You will do nothing of the sort Alexandria." She said sternly. Both the pirate and Alex looked at her.  
  
"And who are ye?" The pirate asked, interested. Alison ignored him.  
  
"Lets go home Alexandria. Now.  
  
"No. Stop playing brother's pet." Alex replied. Alison grabbed her arm._  
  
"Brother's pet?"  
  
"More anachronistic speech. Dumb asses."   
  
_"Now Alex." She hissed.  
  
"Let her be luv. We were only talkin." The pirate said. This time Alison turned to him and said,  
  
Alison said. "Look! I don't know who you are, but I happen to know what you are capable of! I saw you threaten Elizabeth!"_  
  
"I'm confused," Jira said. "Why did Sue-two say said twice?"  
  
Leigh consulted the words. "Hmm… Looks like the author stopped the chapter on a comma. Must have forgotten where she stopped."   
  
"Really bad writing there."   
  
"No argument from me." Leigh muttered, watching the Sue-sisters. "So when can we kill them?"  
  
Jira studied the Words for a minute. "Hmm… Well, Sue-One is about to get kidnapped with Elizabeth. We can take her there. The lesser Sue? Ooh Tortuga. We can take her in Tortuga. Then I've got plans."  
  
Leigh rubbed her hands together, "Evil plans?"   
  
"But of course." Before Jira could explain said evil plans cannon fire interrupted the assassins. "Yay!"  
  
"Huh?" Leigh looked at her partner. "What do you mean yay?"   
  
"Cannon fire. Actual cannons." Jira leaned her head back, smiling blissfully. "I'm so happy."  
  
"It's still badly written."  
  
"But still, actual cannons." Jira flapped her hands at her partner.   
  
Leigh gave in. Real cannons that were not English priests were certainly to be enjoyed.   
  
_"Alex, Will!" Alex looked at her. First she was upset and now she says this._  
  
Jira glanced around. "I don't see Will anywhere. What is she talking about?"  
  
_"What are you talking about?"_  
  
"She took my line!"   
  
_"Apparently a boy named Will." Jack said grinning. Alison rolled her eyes._  
  
"Jack's a smart ass."  
  
"Well, that's in character."  
  
Jira shrugged, "True."  
  
_"I mean Will as he could get hurt!"_  
  
"He's a blacksmith who plays with swords. I'm sure he could." Leigh said.  
  
"Stating the bloody obvious." Jira wrote it down.  
  
_"I'm sure Will is just bloody fine. You wont let me go to him anyways."  
  
"Yes I will come on." Alex widened her eyes; well this is certainly a big change. But before they left two pirates were grinning and staring at them._  
  
"Only two?" Jira muttered as they trailed behind the Sues. The PPC agents stepped out into the chaos that was Port Royal under attack. "Let's portal to the Pearl."   
  
Leigh dodged a dirty pirate with a sword. "Good idea. Undead pirates?"  
  
"Oh fun!" Jira grinned as she set her portal for the Black Pearl, while Leigh changed their disguises to pirates, Black Pearl, cursed.   
  
Jira rubbed her hands together gleefully as the two partners stepped onto a familiar deck tattered black sails above them.   
  
"You know, I've always wondered how the Pearl made such good time with so many holes in the sails?"  
  
"Cursed?" Agent Schmuckleigh suggested, as Sue-one and Elizabeth were brought on deck.   
  
_"I am here to negotiate-" Before she could finish the sentence the pirate, Bo'sun. But Captain Barbossa held his wrist in the air._  
  
"Wait. Who said that?" Jira looked frantically from Elizabeth to Alex. Due to the nature of the writing it was impossible to tell which of the young women had started that sentence.   
  
"And I think we need to have a little talk with the Sues about their punctuation." Leigh said, trying to figure out why the pirate Bo'sun who hadn't actually done anything yet, was being held by Barbossa.  
  
_"Ye will not land a hand on those under the protection of parley." Barbossa said._  
  
"He didn't." Leigh said, looking over at her partner.   
  
_"Aye, sir." Bo'sun said tensioning up his face and then he softened up a bit eyeing the two girls._  
  
"Making Bo'sun tension up his face." Jira had her notebook out.  
  
_"My apologies miss."_  
  
"Making him apologize."   
  
_"Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal."  
  
"Like they know what that means." Alex muttered. Barbossa ignored her and chuckled a bit.  
  
"There a lot of long words there, Miss, we're naught but humble pirates. What is it what you want?"  
  
"What do you think?" Alex said sarcastically.  
  
"I want you to leave and never come back!"  
  
"See?" Alex eyed the Captain._  
  
Jira nudged Leigh. "You know that exchange worked so much better without the Sue."   
  
"Don't they always?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request..means no."  
  
"I love Geoffrey Rush!"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
_"Very well, I'll drop it!" Elizabeth walked over to the broad side of the ship and dangled the medallion over the ocean.  
  
"Me holds are burstin' with swag and that for a bit of shrine matters to us. Why?" Barbossa asked_  
  
At this the gold Aztec medallion in Elizabeth's hand transformed into a what looked rather like a piece of the columns from the Parthenon. "That's interesting," Jira said, watching the bit of shrine curiously.   
  
_"It's what you've been searching for! I reckonize this ship!"_  
"Ahh the rampant misspellings of the Sue." Leigh murmured.   
  
_"Yeah! We saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England!" Alex finished Elizabeth's sentence. Barbossa turned to Alex and grinned._  
  
"I realize you have no idea what constitutes a sentence, but you were finishing a statement as her sentence ended with a period."   
  
"And I'm charging you for it." Jira muttered. Barbossa was smiling at Sue-one, who, unlike a rational person who would be very afraid if Captain Barbossa was grinning at them, seemed perfectly calm. "And for not being at least a little afraid of Barbossa who is a truly scary-ass villain."   
  
"Oh yes," Leigh purred watching Barbossa interrogate Elizabeth and Sue-one. When the Sue said her name was Turner and that she was a maid in the governors household too, Leigh laughed out loud. "Couldn't be more creative than that could you? Pitiful."   
  
_"Turners! And how is it that a maid comes to have a trinket such as that? Family heirloom perhaps?"  
  
"I didn't steal it if that's what you mean." Elizabeth said through clenched teeth. She probably did. Elizabeth liked to steal, Alex thought bitterly. 'I'm missing my pirate sash!' She thought angrily._  
  
"You bitch!" Jira snapped. "You stupid, Elizabeth bashing bitch!"   
  
Leigh made a shushing noise. "She can hear you. You do know that?"  
  
Jira snarled. "I doubt it. This one's so self-absorbed I doubt anything I say could get through."   
  
"Still…"   
  
"Oh fine." They watched the rest of scene unfold as it had it the movie. With one small exception.  
_  
Wait! You have to take me to shore! According to the order of brethan-"  
  
"US! Us to shore!" Alex said irritably.  
  
"Us.."Elizabeth said softly _  
  
The PPC agents could see Elizabeth trying to break free of the Sue's spell. When she said us her eyes flicked to Alex-Sue then to Barbossa.   
  
"She knows something's wrong." Leigh sighed.   
  
"Yeah. I hate seeing her like this. They will pay." Jira said as Barbossa explained why he wasn't going to take them back and Elizabeth fell back into the Sue's spell.   
  
Leigh glanced around the ship as Elizabeth and Sue were dragged off. "So shall we go watch the other one join Will on his rescue?"   
  
Jira looked down at herself. "We could do that. Or we could hang out here and be cursed evil skeletons."  
  
Leigh smiled. "Fabulous. Let's do that."   
  
"Excellent. Now where's some moonlight?" Jira said as she strode off around the deck of the Black Pearl.   
  
The assassins spent the rest of the night playing 'check out my bone structure' in the moonlight and discovering that indeed undead, cursed, pirates do not need sleep. A good time was had by both.   
  
The morning came swiftly and brightly. Jira was sitting on the prow of the Black Pearl having climbed up there around sunrise. Leigh walked over to her. "You do know we're in the middle of the ocean?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"And if you fall it's a long way to the bottom?"  
  
"I'm undead. I can walk to shore." Jira said.   
  
"We're a long way from shore." Leigh replied, watching her partner look down at the sea.   
  
"Good point. I'll just be getting down then." Jira said, slowly and carefully moving herself off the railing and onto the deck. "Well, shall we go find Sue-two?"   
  
Leigh sighed. "If we must."   
  
"Nothing to do around here until nightfall anyway." Jira fished out her portal device. "So where to?"   
  
"Well, we could go on the Interceptor…" The agents thought for a moment. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."  
  
"Me neither. We'd be seen easy." Jira glanced over the Words, looking for a likely spot. And laughed. "You know they'll be in Tortuga real soon. We could just jump there."   
  
"Tortuga? In a less than day?" Leigh peered over her partner's shoulder. "How far is it to Tortuga?"   
  
"Three days," Jira said. "With a full crew who know what they're doing, and good weather and the tides with them. Will and Jack, I'd give them a week at least."   
  
"Tortuga then." Leigh said as her partner adjusted her portal.   
  
The assassins stepped out onto the dirty Tortuga streets a few steps ahead of the Canon characters and Sue-two.   
  
_"Port and port alike it is a sad life that has never breathed deep the sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga, savvy? What do you think?"  
  
"It'll linger." Will managed to say.  
  
"Disgusting." Alison said.  
  
"If every island were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted."_  
  
"I thought Tortuga was city."   
  
"Yeah me too."   
  
_"I can hardly imagine." Alison mumbled._  
  
"No one was crediting you with much imagination to begin with, sweetie." Jira muttered as she stepped out of the way to let the Canonicals pass. When Sue-two tried to go by Jira stuck out a foot. As Alison-Sue was getting to her feet, Scarlet walked up. And slapped both Will and Jack.   
  
_"Scarlet!" She slapped him and walked away._  
  
"Poor Will, now the writing getting him slapped."  
Leigh nodded as Giselle came up. Again, due the lack of proper names in the description she came up to both Will and Jack.   
  
_"Not sure I deserved that. Giselle!" Giselle walked up to him in a yellow dress.  
  
"Who was she? And who IS she?" She pointed to Alison.  
  
"Not his if that's what you're thinking." Alison sneered.  
"What?" Jack asked. She slapped him and walked away. "I may have disserved that."_  
  
"You may have, but I know Will didn't." Jira muttered.   
  
"That one didn't get Will."  
  
"The other one did."   
  
Leigh muttered under her breath.   
  
"Also, did you notice that Jack may have 'Disserved' that?" Jira said.  
  
"I did notice. Did you notice she spelled it right the first time?" Leigh responded.   
  
"I did. But I figured it was an aberration."   
  
"Probably was."  
  
_"Unbelievable, I'm becoming more abhorrence with you every step of the way Mr. Sparrow." Alison folded her arms._  
  
"Abhorrence," Jira muttered, flipping through her thesaurus. "Loathing, detestation, hatred…"  
  
"I am becoming more loathing with you." Leigh tried it out. "Nope doesn't work. Bad wording. Bad , bad wording."   
  
"I'm having a feeling of abhorrence right now." Jira snarked at the Sue.   
  
_"Captain Jack Sparrow, luv!" Alison shook her head and Will shrugged._  
  
"Not again!"   
  
_Alison and Will followed Jack into some guys' house. They saw an old man sleeping on a couple of pigs. Alison made a face and turned away.  
  
"Curse you for breathing, you slack jawed idiot! Mother's love! Jack! You should know better then to wake a man when he's sleeping. 'S bad luck."  
  
"Ah, fortunately I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys, the man who was sleeping, a drink. The man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking."_  
  
"I love Jack." Leigh said.   
  
"You and me both." Her partner nodded in agreement.   
  
_"Aye, that'll about do it."  
  
"Mr. Gibbs?" Alison asked recognizing him from along time ago when they were crossing to England._  
  
"Try from England, idiot." Agent Jira said leaning against the wall behind Jack, Will, the Sue and Mr. Gibbs._   
  
"Ms. Norrington! What a pleasant surprise! Where be your sister?"_  
  
"On the Pearl, about to die."   
  
_Will threw a bucket of water on him. "BLAST! I'm all ready awake!"  
  
"That was for the smell." Alison smiled._  
  
Jira turned to Leigh, "Got rope?"  
  
Leigh smiled as they started after the Sue, "Yes I have."  
  
_The four of them entered a noisy tavern with men trying to fight or fighting in their drunken ways. _As Alison Norrington walked through the door a pair of pirates in black clothes stepped in front of her. "Alison Norrington, you are being charged as a Mary-Sue corrupting the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. You're coming with us," the shorter of the two said.   
  
"Jack!" The Sue yelled. Thankfully the tavern was very loud and Alison couldn't make herself be heard as the PPC agents dragged her forcibly from the Faithful Bride. Once outside Leigh tied the Sue's hands behind her while she continued to yell for Jack and Will.   
  
Jira slapped her across the face and then shoved a gag in her mouth. "You shut up."   
  
"Kill her now?" Leigh said, holding the Sue still while Jira opened a portal.   
  
"No. We need her alive."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"Bait." Jira grinned as she stepped through the portal onto the deck of the Pearl. Leigh looped a bit of rope over the railing and then around Sue-two's neck, tying it tightly. Together the assassins went into the main cabin Alex-sue.   
  
Outside the cabin they could hear the Sue and Elizabeth arguing.   
  
_"What?!" Elizabeth finally asked in a shout.  
  
"This is all your fault." Alex replied. Elizabeth crossed her arms.  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"No..." _Before Elizabeth could finish the word, the cabin door slammed open and two female pirates dressed in black came in.   
  
"That is quite enough!" Jira said, grabbing the Sue and pulling her to her feet. "Alexandria Norrington, you are charged with disrupting the canon of the Pirates of the Caribbean by being a Mary-Sue."   
  
"Get your hands off me! How dare you?" The Sue tried to pull her arm free but Jira wouldn't let go.   
  
"How dare you?!" Jira snapped. "How dare you come here and try to ruin this story?"   
  
"I… I hate her! She doesn't deserve my Will!" The Sue tried to pull free again, only to find Leigh had thrown a loop of rope around her arms. And tightened it.   
  
"He ain't yours. And you and your sister have no business here." Jira said furiously.   
  
Leigh pushed the Sue forward, while Elizabeth stared at the two women. "Who are you?" She asked.  
  
"PPC." Jira shrugged. "Don't worry, you'll be back to normal in no time."   
  
"We'll take care of these two." Leigh said pushing the Sue ahead of her and out the door. Jira followed her out and shut the door. Pintel and Raggetti, who'd been about to enter with two dresses stared at them. Jira plucked the blue one out of their hands and said, "You don't need that. Go on, Captain Barbossa's waiting for her." They looked at each other and shrugged. Jira draped the dress over one arm and joined her partner on deck.   
  
Leigh looked her curiously. She'd gagged Sue-one with what looked like an old sock. "So where'd you get that?"  
  
"Pintel and Raggetti. It's pretty, I'm keeping it." Jira said, opening a portal on deck. She cut Sue-two free from the railing and threw her through the portal. "Shall we?"  
Leigh tossed Sue-one through and stepped after her. Jira followed. They stepped out into bright California sunlight. Leigh looked around. The assassins were standing on concrete surrounding an enormous enclosed body of water. Behind them stadium seats rose up. She tapped her partner on the shoulder, when Jira turned around she asked, "Where are we?"   
  
Jira smiled, "In Monterey."  
  
"Real world?"  
  
"No, this is the bookverse of The Trench by Steve Alten." She pulled out the charge list and smiled down at the Sues. "To business. Alexandria and Alison Norrington, also known as Sues one and two, you are officially charged by the protectors of the Plot Continuum as Mary Sues and for disrupting the Canonical universe of Pirates of the Caribbean by making Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Commodore James Norrington, and most especially and egregiously Elizabeth severely out of character, by attempting to break up a Canonical pairing i.e Will/Elizabeth by reducing it to a mere crush and attempting to usurp Elizabeth's place, for bashing Elizabeth and still being her best friend, for inflicting yourselves on poor Commodore Norrington when I'm sure he's got enough on his mind already, for being whiny brats and reducing Elizabeth to the same level as you, for putting the prologue of the story as the second chapter and making the both of us miserable, for writing fragment, for having horrible grammar and punctuation, for abuse of the common comma, for anachronistic speech and lots of it, for going to England rather than the other way, for getting Will slapped when I know he didn't deserve it, for disserved, and for thinking you could improve this already excellent story be your mere presence you are to be put to death. Right about now." The Sues writhed on the ground, staring at the smiling agent above them. Jira turned to her partner, "Got anything long sharp and preferably barbed?"  
  
Leigh smiled, and went hunting through her pack. After a moment she pulled out the front part of a whaling harpoon. "This work?" She asked.  
  
Jira stared. "That's perfect." She pulled Alison-Sue to her feet and removed her gag. She wrapped her arm around the Sue's neck, tightly. "Get her in the stomach if you would."   
  
Alison-Sue tried to pull free but Schmuckleigh moved faster and impaled her on the harpoon's wicked barbs. "How that?" She asked over the Sue's screaming.   
  
Jira spun the Sue away from her and pushed her over into the water. The Sue shrieked and twisted in the water. The seawater turned red around her.   
  
"So was there a point to that or were you just having fun?" Leigh asked as she stepped closer to the edge.   
  
Jira pulled her back. "Trust me. You don't want to be doing that. And I did have a point." She looked out over the water for a moment and smiled. "And here it comes." She pointed.  
  
Leigh followed her partner's finger and saw a ghostly white dorsal fin rising out of the water. And keep rising. And rising. And head toward the downed Sue in the water. "What's that?"  
  
Jira grinned. "That is Angel, a 72 foot Charcharadon Megolodon. Say hi!"   
  
"Angel?"  
  
"The Angel of Death, I believe is her name in this continuum." As the 6 foot high fin got closer, Jira grabbed Alexandria, pulled the gag out of her mouth and said, "Scream all you like. It'll only attract her attention."   
  
"You can't do this." The Sue said in disbelief.  
  
Jira knocked her over the edge and got back quickly. "Yah think?"   
  
Leigh was watching the approaching Meg somewhat nervously. "Is it really safe here?" She asked Jira.   
  
"No, not really." Jira said, "Let's go up on the stands. Better view there." The assassins climbed the stairs up to bleachers and settled in to watch Angel enjoy her snacks.   
  
"Come here often?" Leigh asked as the first Sue was engulfed by a gaping maw full of 6 inch teeth.   
  
"I used to. It's quiet here. You never get Sues."   
  
"It's nice."   
  
"Yeah," Jira murmured as the second Sue went down screaming.   
  
"So back now."   
  
Jira sighed, "Yeah I guess." She took a last look at the solid white Meg as Leigh opened the portal. "Bye, sweetie." She said as she stepped through.   
The End.   
  
[Author's notes: The Trench is a real book. It's not very accurate about Charcharadon Megolodons, but it's a fun read anyway. It's the sequel to the Meg, which was really better.   
  
After posting the third chapter I realized I haven't left links to the original stories. I apologize for this and am leaving them here.   
  
Chapter one: Salina Rose by Nev1988 ?storyid=1469649  
  
If you really want to see these story in all there glory, here they are. Thanks to all my very kind reviewers.]

  



	5. Lonely Sparrow meets a tiger?

Protector of the Plot Continuum:

Pirates of the Caribbean: The curse of the Black Pearl

I own neither. Jay and Acacia created the first while Disney owns the second. Jira and Leigh, no matter what they think, are mine. Many thanks to Elena for her betaing of this work. 

By Megan@Midnight

****

Lonely Sparrow meets a tiger?

Agents Jira and Schmuckleigh of the PPC: Pirates of the Caribbean, Mary Sue Division were in a fine mood when they got back from their latest kill, or kills rather. Watching an implausibly large white Charcharadon meglodon devour Commodore Norrington's non-canonical sisters was certainly a mood lifter. Unfortunately, the _bing! _Of the console was a bit of a buzz kill. Not to mention worrying. Jira printed the message out. [_Agents Jira Foley and Schmuckleigh, report upstairs._

Now! -S.O.]

Of course the sudden and very loud [BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!!!] of the console was worse.

"Crap. What do we do?!" Jira said looking from the paper in her hand to the screaming console. 

"Well, I'd first put down the dress." Leigh said, nodding at the blue dress Jira was carrying over one arm. 

"Good plan." Jira dropped the dress against the wall and jumped as a portal opened right in front of her. "Shit!" 

"I think we should go. And massacre." Leigh muttered, her voice furious. 

"Why? How bad could it be?" Jira said as she shove energy bars into her pack. You never knew how long these things would be after all. And as severely understaffed as the Mary-Sue division and the Pirates of the Caribbean division was they'd been pretty much constantly busy. 

"She has a talking tiger. And she sings Like a Prayer." 

As her partner choked, Leigh set their disguises and dragged her shocked and coughing partner through the portal. "We have to kill it, now."

"Yes. I completely agree," Jira said in a rough voice. They were on a beach, on a very familiar island. "Oh no." Jira looked at her partner. "She's stranded?"

"However did you guess?" 

"Hmm… I wonder." Both agents slipped up the beach to the shadow of the palm trees. And then came the Sue. 

__

A girl wandered around the beaches looking for any sign of life. She stared at the horizon as she took in the early morning breeze and enjoyed the sunlight. "Blast that Barbosa! I can't believe I let him trick me like that blast Jack Sparrow did." Tigress muttered to herself. She had been stuck there for two days but unlike Sparrow stranded with nothing, Barbosa did give her some food to eat.

Jira shook her fists at the sky. "Damn you Barbossa! Why? WHY? Did you leave food? She could have died right here. Why?!" 

__

"It wasn't Barbossa. It was Barbosa." Leigh answered her enraged partner. "You know the misspelled monkey from Salina Rose." 

__

Jira looked at her partner then went back to staring at the sky. "Damn you Barbosa! Damn you!" 

__

"And did you notice the blast Jack Sparrow?"

__

"I did. I did notice." Jira said as she glared daggers at the Sue and white tiger. 

__

A tiger at her side she looked down at it patting the tiger. "Serena help me find a way out of here. I really wish you could." The tiger just roared in reply to the statement as she looked out at a nearing ship. 

"Where is the comma and grammar?" Jira misquoted softly. "Where have the good stories gone? They have past like the rain on the mountain. Ow!" 

"Knock it off." Leigh said as her partner rubbed the back of her head and glared at her. 

__

When Tigress realized what ship it was her eyes narrowed and she looked to the skies. "Why in Goddess' name did my rescuer have to be him?" She questioned to the clouds. 

"Why in the name of the Valar must they swear to the Goddess? Which one? Don't be so melodramatic." Jira said, still rubbing her head but having moved her glare back to the Sue. 

"You're one to talk." 

"Yes, I am." 

__

As she yelled a young captain stepped down and looked her up and down. She glared at him waiting for him to speak first. "Tell me Love,what brings you here?" he beckoned to her.

"Jack, not that young." 

__

"And would someone please tell me what Jack just stepped down from?" Leigh moaned. "I was watching it happen, and I still don't have a clue." 

__

"Bugger if I know." _  
"The same thing that got you stuck here fool. I know who you are!" She replied. He smiled at this as he motioned for her to come on board._

"Oh fuck me." Jira said. "She pulled the Pearl up to the island." 

__

"Meh," Leigh said as the PPC agents followed the Sue onboard the far to big to come that close to land ship. The crew members tried to stop the tiger from following the Sue and she insisted that "_She is a part of the package boys." _

"Jack would never bring a large dangerous, living animal on his ship. He's not that stupid." 

Jira bounced on her toes. "Leave her there! Leave her!"

Leigh gave her a look. "You know they won't." 

"I can still have hope."

"Won't help."   
_She then looked down to him "You can call me Tigress Song." _

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jira collapsed on deck, Leigh joining her in peals of laughter. 

"Tigress SONG! Hah hah hahah. That's just fabulous…" This continued until th gratuitous description of Sueage. 

__

She was about 5'7 with flowing orange hair that she wore up in pigtails with braids to frame her face. They were her bangs. 

"So she braids her bangs, orange is not a attractive color and she's bald otherwise." 

"I'm seeing a deranged Pippi Longstalking myself."

"Indeed. Is very disturbing." 

__

She had Blue crystal colored eyes. 

"So that would be blue then?" 

"Blue and Shiny?" Jira responded with a confused tone. 

__

Jack almost blushed at what the girl was wearing. Tigress wore a white tube top styled shirt that showed cleavage and had sleeves that went around her arm right above her elbows and showed most of her back and upper shoulder. 

"Cough. Slut. Cough." 

"You realize you aren't supposed to say cough, right?" Leigh said nudging Jira in the shoulder. 

__

She also wore black boots and a pair of black pants cut to be above her knees. 

"That would make them shorts, fuckwit." 

__

The girl caught him starring at her and sighed. "Please stop staring it is quite rude." She told him. He blushed before turning to face the sea again. 

"Poor Jack. He always gets the worst of these." 

"Sucks to be you, mate." Jira told the oblivious Captain. Since the Sue hadn't really described where they were at the point, all this was happening in the middle of the deck. Jira and Leigh just sat close enough to be in hearing range. The Sue wouldn't have noticed anyway. She was a bit too involved in pretending to dislike her obvious love interest. 

__

"Tell me love, how did Barbosa trick you?" he finally started to speak. Tigress made an angry glare at the name before answering him. 

After the Sue glared at Jack's lips for a minute since you can't glare at a word she started her sob, stupid, story. 

__

"Well sir, he told me I could have some treasure. Then stranded me there same as he did to you after I lead him to the treasure of Motolore. 

"Fffffffff." Jira hissed at the Sue.

"Because I couldn't of a think of a back story, I decided to steal the plot of the movie. This is because I'm an idiot and have no creativity at all." 

__

Unlike you though he gave me no pistol but instead a food to last me 5 days and that was it." He just nodded in reply as he continued to sail.

"Five!" Jira snapped. "It's a word. When you write, it's a word not a number." 

"When was Jack sailing?" Leigh whimpered. "The pain of this story makes my brain bleed." 

"I think mine leaked out of my ears a few stories ago." 

"I can't blame it for wanting to escape." After a moment the two agents noticed nothing was happening. Jack was standing very still and the Sue was lying on the deck. "What's going on?"

"Lemme see." Jira fished out her copy of the Words and read her expression going ever darker. 

"What?"

"She's taking a nap. Jack's going to stand there for the next couple of hours and this one's really pissing me off." 

"Well, we have a few hours." Leigh said. 

"Skip. Get this one over fast." Jira pulled her portal device out and very nearly dragged Leigh through.   
"I'm coming, I'm coming." They arrived just as Tigress-Sue was preparing to sing. "Did we skip dinner?"

"Yes. And the tiger jumping on the table." Jira murmured watching the Sue. 

"Why?" 

"Because this one can't describe time to save her life and our sanity. What little we've got anyway. Unless you'd like to be here for long undescribed amounts of time…"

"That's okay."

__

As time progressed Jack anchored the ship for the night as he sat by the wheel and looked up to the girl who was getting ready. He smiled to himself as he had to give her credit for courage but he doubted the skill in her voice. 

"Me too." 

"The wheel is on the highest part of the ship right?"

"Yep." 

"So is she in the rigging?"

"Or the crow's nest." 

"Jack doesn't sit at the wheel. That wouldn't do much." 

"Nope." 

__

A crew member by the name of Gibbins walked up to him and looked oddly at the girl. "What is she doing Captain Sparrow?" the older man asked. "Singing well soon. I hope it is ok? 

"No, no no no! Jack did not say ok. He didn't. I didn't hear it. He didn't say it." 

"He also didn't say singing well soon. Whatever that means. Nor did he just ask permission for something to happen on his own ship."

"No, no he didn't." Jira agreed clinging to her rapidly fraying nerves with both hands.

__

My put some spark in those men you know with her being so revealing shall we say. If not it will atleast give them laughs." He replied. 

"My put spark comma Whattefuck!" 

Leigh was rubbing her face. "I'm so confused right now." 

Jira was still sputtering in horror. 

__

She then looked down at Jack and gave the signal she was ready to sing.

The two PPC agents promptly flipped her off. She didn't see it. _  
She held her hands clasped on her waist as she tried to sing the notes loud and clear over the chilling ocean breeze. ~Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone  
I hear you call my name  
And it feels like home  
When you call my name it's like a little prayer  
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there_

"Ai! Ai! It burns! It burns!" Jira shrieked and clapped her hands over her ears and started humming as loudly as she could. 

Leigh held out just a little longer but as the Sue got to the part about _Feels like flying_, she joined her partner on the deck. 

After a long few minutes, Leigh noticed the horrible singing had stopped and the only sounds on deck were the sounds of her and her partners attempts to drown out the horrible noise. 

"It's over," she said as she gave her partner a shake. 

Jira cautiously removed one hand and sighed. "Hallelujah." 

"Agreed." 

"_This will be the day you always remember as the day Jack Sparrow was proved wrong by a woman. Remember my name, Tigress Song." She told him. He finally laughed gently in reply and clapped his hands. "That was great love. Say where are you headed?" He said to her._

"To a horrible painful death. This I'm certain of." 

"Keelhauling?" Jira suggested.

"I was thinking canonical bonfire." Leigh said. 

"Perfect." Jack and the Sue had headed off. "Where are they going?" 

"His cabin." 

"Not already. Plus isn't the tiger in there?" 

"No she's still being independanty. And the tigers sleeping between them."

"Bad mental imagery there." Jira sighed. "We should go and listen." 

"Yeah," Leigh said, resigned. 

__

"Don't you dare touch me. Serena is sleeping between us so you don't, LOVE!" Her last word 'Love' she said mockingly to him. 

"Yeah yeah, no one's impressed, dumbass." 

__

With that she laid down and told him good night before giving him one last warning glare and then laying to go to sleep.

"She was already laying down." 

__

"She's kinda dumb. She must have needed to do it twice." Leigh said was they watched in horrified fascination. _  
He curled up next to her as he pulled the covers over the girl and smiled alittle again. As the moonlight reflected off of her golden hair. _

"Funny how it was orange just a minute ago." 

__

He moved a few strands from her face before the tiger growled at him. "Alright calm down, I won't touch her just please don't eat me alive." He said sarcastically before rolling over and falling asleep himself.

"Yes, because sleeping next to a tiger is a good idea." Leigh look3eed at her partner. "Really." 

"Yesss…" Jira said. "Shall we go forward?"

"If we must. Where's the biggest canon break?" 

"I'm pretty much going with the talking tiger and Jack having the Black Pearl while Barbossa's still alive." 

"That works."

Jira and Leigh portaled again this time to the morning. The Sue was complaining about having to wear a dress because her own Slut clothes were dirty. 

"Because most pirates really care about cleanliness." 

__

She put it on Serena's collar as an aura engulfed the tiger. A few moments later Serena spoke "It's about time you gave my voice back. As for the dress it'll have to do until you get your clothes washed."

"We're gonna have kill the tiger too. It's way to Sueish now." Jira moaned. 

"It talks. It has to die." Leigh said softly. 

__

"This sucks, you know. I like tigers."

__

"We'll kill it quick." Leigh reassured her. _  
Tigress nodded her head in agreement with a disgusted look on her face. She dressed and then discarded her dirty garments in a corner of the room as she walked down to the deck. "Ai Lass, I see you've awaken and your wearing the dress Ana Maria laid out for ye." Gibbs yelled to Tigress. _

"Anamaria! Anamaria! Is that really so hard?" 

"Where the hell did Anamaria get a dress anyway?"

__

She nodded her head in reply and tried not to be rude to their kindness. "Yes, But tell me Gibbs, when is the next time we take port at an island I would like to get some more comforting clothes." Tigress replied. He shrugged his shoulders. Then he answered "It's up to Jack, but he has taken a fondness for ya, perhaps if ye ask him he'll stop at the next island."  
Tigress looked at Gibbs oddly as she stared up to the Captain who was  
steering the ship. He looked so content and relaxed at the freedom of  
his ship taking him anywhere he wanted it was if he was a real sparrow  
perched in his nest. 

"Stupidest description ever!" Leigh spit. 

__

She smiled at the sight before down at her gown  
it was a dark red color and the skirt was puffy, the dress still had  
one comfort, the revealing shoulder that gave her room to move her  
shoulders and upper arms with contentment. Serena laughed as she  
nudged Tigress to go talk to him.

"That's a good dress for a ship. Really it is." Jira told her partner, who snickered. AS the Sue tried to walk over to Jack one of the crew members handed her a mop and bucket. 

__

"Oh poor Sue, has to work." As the Sue cleaned past the two gents Leigh stepped on the back of her absurd dress. The Sue who been lusting after Jack and not paying much attention, fell on her face. Both agents pointed and laughed. 

"That was good." Jira told her partner as Tigress picked herself off the deck and Leigh whistled innocently. 

The Sue was leaning against the ship's railing with the tiger. _"Serena, do you think I should tell Jack about how Barbossa isn't exactly the same Barbossa?" She questioned to the tiger. Serena nodded her head in reply "I think it would be vital, seeing as he is probably wondering why Barbossa is still alive when Jack was the one that killed him. Besides before your mother died what did she always tell you?" "I know, honesty is the key to everything." Tigress answered. _

"I also don't know how to paragraph properly," Jira muttered. 

Leigh walked over to the Sue. "I've had enough of this," she said as Jira tried to stop her. 

Jira tugged on her arm. "Tiger." 

Leigh paused. "Right. You still have that concertina wire?" 

Jira dunked her hand into her pack. "Yep." She handed the wire and her leather gloves over. 

She watched as Leigh walked over to the Sue and her pet. "Tigress Song, you are formally charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as a Mary Sue." The Sue stared at her. Jira was fiddling with the portal device. 

The tiger growled at Leigh and Jira moved to distract it. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty." The tiger snarled at her then got the most bewildered look on its face as Agent Schmuckleigh snapped the concertina wire under its throat and jerked upwards. The tiger's head came free and rolled off the side of the ship. Jira jumped back to avoid the blood spray. 

"SERENA!" The Sue screamed. Jira opened the portal and Leigh grabbed the Sue by back of her dress and flung her through before anyone could notice the screaming. Leigh went through after her and Jira followed taking a moment to push the tigers body over the edge of the ship into the sea. 

"I'm really sorry." She murmured after the body and went through the portal. The island was still burning from Elizabeth's bonfire, but the canonicals had departed an hour or so earlier. Leigh had tied the Sue's hands behind, but was having trouble getting her feet as Tigress was kicking for all she was worth. And yelling and cursing. Jira walked over to the Sue. 

"Shut up or I will kick you in the head." 

Tigress Song glared at her and opened her mouth. Jira's foot hit her just below the ear. Tigress yelped in pain. Leigh took the head kicking as a distraction and tied the Sue's feet behind her. "You want to charge?" 

"Yes." Jira drew her foot back as warning and Tigress flinched. "Tigress Song, you formally charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as a Mary-Sue in violation of the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. You have disrupted both canon, good sense and good taste. For making Captain Jack Sparrow severely OOC, for bringing Barbossa back to like, for misspelling it as Barbosa and creating another mini-monkey, for being marooned on the same bloody isle as Jack, for not even creating a decent back story for yourself and copy the plot of the movie badly, for having crystal blue eyes, for making Jack say okay long before the word existed, for having two different hair colors, for having a stupid ass hairstyle, for having a white tiger that TALKS, for naming it Serena, for making it so Sue-ish it had to die, for making me assist in the killing of an endangered species that I love, for making Anamaria have a dress, for misspelling Anamaria, for being the worst Sue I've ever seen and pissing me OFF, you are condemned to die." The only reason Tigress hadn't interrupted the assassin was that ever time she opened her mouth Jira kicked her in the head. The Sue looked rather dazed at this point. "Oh and for singing Like a Prayer in Pirates of the fucking Caribbean, you are condemned to burn." Jira smiled coldly at her partner over the Sue and bent down. "On three?"

"You don't want to gag her?"

"I want to hear her scream."

"Oh. Okay then. One." Leigh lifted the Sue's feet.

"Two." Jira said as grabbed the Sue's bound arms and together they carried her close to Elizabeth's bonfire. 

"Three!" Together they swung Tigress Song into the flames and stepped back. She screamed for a very long time. 

"Better now?" Leigh said.

"No." Jira shook her head. "I like tigers. White tigers are too fucking rare to be slaughtered by these goddamned Sues." 

"I know." They watched the Sue-fire burn for a very long minute. "We should get back."

"Yeah. Yeah, we should." 

The end

[Jira and Leigh would like to thank Araeph for pointing this Sue out to us. I realize this is much shorter than most, but it was so bad. Had to die. The tiger bothers me. But it was so Sued… And who the hell sings Madonna in PotC? Honestly. This was written by Inu Sparrow but was taken down not long after being brought to the attention of the PPC. I'm afraid I did not save a copy and I'm sorry about that.] 

__

  



End file.
